
Book— t./7C»^ _ 



ODDS AND ENDS, 

CONTAINING 3^1 

^eer Happenings to Men 

and Takings of our Time^ after Noah 

came out of the Ark. 



"A little NONSENSE now and then, 
Is relished by the wisest men j" 
While FOOLS, with yawning maws for more, 
Can cram from our abundant store. 

Illustrated by sixty imaginary pictures, with FRAMES ready furnished, 

DBDlCoiT^D, by Special Tet-mission^ TO FOOLS ^ 

and designed for issue on ciLZ, FOOLS^ 

f>:>iY, but it *'mi?iff Fire,'' 



Seen in a Vision. 

By dr. ALATE WIDEAWAKE, 

Amateur Dreamer^ Honorary Member of the Society for the Infusion of 
Useful Knoivledge on the Cachinnatory System, 

CINCINNATI: 
PUBLISHED BY R. W. CARROLL & CO. 

1868. 



- _tjt.»OtS 



o 

o 






Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1868, by 

BOBBKT CARROLL & CO. 

In the Clerk's Office of the U. S. District Court, for the Southern 
District of Ohio. 




TO 



pDDS AND Ends, 



CONTAINING 



Queer Happenings. 



"I DON^T UNDERSTAND this book,*^ the reader, on his first 
opening, will exclaim. 

Of course he do n't ! 

It is more than could be expected ! 

To be honest, the author has serious doubts if he does himself! 

Many a child is a surprise to its father, an astonishment to its mother, 
and an enigma to every body. But, nevertheless, being a child, it requires 
to be fathered and mothered, and then in due time swung off, thence- 
forth to oscillate for itself. 

The theory is a dream, in which the past and the present are thrown 
together, and real characters and mythological characters introduced, and 
meet Noah and his family as they come out of the Ark. The latter are 

(A) 



B THE KEY TO ODDS AND ENDS. 

not the personages of the genuine history, but such as were seen in the 
vision. Why the dream should have as a basis the advent of Noah from 
the Ark, is explained in the first two introductory pages ; and the origi- 
nating incident is true. The general alluded to was the noble-hearted 
Burnside. 

We imagine the good parson, as " the Mug '* of his old parishioner 
was thus unexpectedly sent to him, indulged in " a Smile." As he was 
not a resident of Maine, he was not de^^rred from it. 

Just before the vision, the dreamer heard the music of Carl Rosa and 
Madame Parepa. What more natural than that their sweet notes should 
run through his dream, and that, too, generally in the form of apt poet- 
ical quotations ? 

The imaginary pictures, at first view, will puzzle all. What are shown 
are frames or borders for scenes which the reader may imagine. Few will 
have the artistic talent for it, and none are expected to do so. Introduced 
as a novelty, they serve, with the annexed descriptions, to give an idea of 
the contents of the work. 

" What an incongruous mixture ! " some will say. " True," we reply. 
Dreams are always incongruous. Beside, our aim is humor. Humor is 
said never to exist without incongruity. It arises from placing things and 
ideas in false relations. It can't be defined. We thus illustrate it : 

Nearly forty years since, the venerable President Day, of Yale, and a 
young student were alone together in a stage-coach, passing from New 
Haven to Hartford. A sudden smile flitting across the face of the grave 
teacher, aroused the curiosity of the young man, and, on looking out 
of the window, he in turn smiled, for he saw the cause. In the center 
of a corn-field was the efligy of a man on a pole as a scarecrow, on top 
of which was calmly perching, in unconscious innocence of the incon- 
gruity of his resting-place, one of the blackest of crows ! 



THE KEY TO ODDS AND ENDS. C 

Humor is permitted in a sin-abounding world, and doubtless for wise 
purposes. Six days in a week, even a Christian can laugh ! 
But humor can have no place above, for 

" Order is Heaven's first law.'* 

Where order reigns supreme, incongruity can not exist. Yet so keen is 
the sense of order in some pharisaical individuals, so anxious are they 
even here to anticipate, that they ever walk our streets with solemn 
visages, and gauge personal piety by the length of the countenance — 
not by that spirit of universal love which wells up warm from the heart, 
and smiles in joy at the happiness of the most insignificant created thing. 

Humor being allowed with us below, we have endeavored to press it 
into good service. 

The book is in opposition to what is termed in irony the Democratic 
party. No one outside of a lunatic asylum can believe that name is 
claimed in any other sense by an organization that has marked its track 
in blood, and seeks its elevation by crushing the weak, the lowly, and 
the ignorant. Our moral is that we must protect the poor and the 
humble of this earth, and that only by so doing can we be truly happy. 
This moral is shadowed forth in chapters H and I, and developed in the last. 

Many things are caricatured 5 much by-play indulged in. If the reader, 
in certain places, sees no hits, he must conclude none are there intended. 
Some public personages for whom we have a heart-felt regard are thrown 
into amusing relations ; but not as strongly as others, especially that 
unwholesome individual at the head of our Government, who, for three 
years past, has disturbed the peace of our country and thwarted the will 
of this great people. 

Some minds will enjoy this book 5 perhaps a majority may turn from 
it with repulsion. That is no reason why it should not be published. 



D THE KEY TO ODDS AND ENDS. 

** Find out," said an old man, once on a time, " what is public opinion ; 
then act squarely against it, and, in nine cases out of ten, you will act 
right ! " 

The taste of that select few should be gratified, who can 

Read with believing hearts the Travels of Baron Munchausen ! 

Regard with chivalrous emotions the wondrous exploits of Don 
Quixote ! 

Revel in the picturesque scenes experienced by the renowned Doctor 
Syntax ! 

Delight in the Adventures of Lemuel Gulliver ! 

Esteem Parson Weems as the Prince of Biographers ! 

Listen with rapture to the narrative of Sinbad the Sailor! 

Entertain a profound respect for the venerable character of our 
oldest inhabitant, the Wandering Jew ! 

Appreciate the lucubrations of the author of the Devil on Two 
Sticks ! 

Bask in the effulgence of Petroleum Nasby ! 

Cachinate under the scintillations of Artemus ! 

Admire love sonnets to the mermaid of Barnum ! 

Sympathize with Japheth in Search of his Father ! 

Drink in with tittilating nerves the entrancing Melodies of Mother 
Goose ! 

Lean forward with keen appetite to the juicy carvings of the Fat 
Contributor. And then 

Pant for a hot stew from the bivalve establishment kept by Holmes' 
tall young oysterman, " down below ! " 

H. H, 
Cincinnati, O., 1868. 



CONTENTS 



PAGE. 

The Author*s Curve of Courtesy and Acquaintance 7 

The Publisher's Curve of Courtesy and Apology 27 

CHAPTER A. 

Introduces the United States Moses, All Gammon, Lemuel Gulliver, 
Sinbad the Sailor, Baron Munchhausen, the Wandering Jew, 
.with original anecdotes of the same 39 

CHAPTER B. 

Describes how Mr. Noah was extricated from an unpleasant little 
happening by Andy, Secretaries Sewap and McKashlock, 
General Grent, Ben Botlaw, and others 5 the discovery of 
Chicago; au6lion of George Francis Fastline 47 

CHAPTER C. 

Describes the Pendletum Currency, and what befell those who went 

up in their financial balloon 57 

CHAPTER D. 

Discovery of Mr. Noah's boots on the Pacific Railroad in the Rocky 

Mountains, with anecdotes of the Noahs 67 

CHAPTER E. 

Mrs. Noah receives an invitation to go through Mr. Stewat's dry 
goods establishment by railroad j Harry Wood Beachem, a 
young journeyman preacher, and author of blue-covered litera- 
ture, appears 83 

(s) 



6 CONTENTS. 

CHAPTER F. 

PAGE. 

Describes the multitude who met the Noahs as they came out of the 
Ark — as Wendell Feelups, Agagassy, Mr. Van Winkle, Max 
Marattlezak, the companies of " Mutual Friends,'* " Odd 
Friends," "Ye Gods and Little Fishes," "Uncle Sam's Men," 
"Ye Dickens Squad," and the Mewonica 91 

CHAPTER G. 

The Grand Gala, where various catastrophies happen to Andy, and 
he finally is killed, and then restored to life by the Awful Un- 
known with his serpent wand II5 

CHAPTER H. 

Mr. Dickens has a good time under a big sugar-maple, sings a song, 

and is finally captured by Mrs. Grundy, and talks with her... 137 

CHAPTER I. 

Mr. Dickens continues his benevolent talk with Mrs. Grundy, and 

it is shown fools can yet say, " We live ! " , 151 

CHAPTER J. 

Mr. Dickens prepares to give a reading 163 

CHAPTER K. 

The Awful Unknown sets loose the animals of the Ark, when they 
charge upon the crowd, who run in terror, and many strange 
things happen 173 

CHAPTER L. 

Andy departs for Tennessee, escorted by the corps of Odd Friends 

and an apparition in the sky j the author awakes 187 

CHAPTER M. 

Burlesque and satire dropped, and the reader led to pause and refled, 
" What are we ? " " Where do we stand ? " " Whither are we 
tending ? " , , , 207 



BEFORE YOU READ. 

DR. ALATE WIDEAWAKE 

O AND ^ 




^ «iffoW DO You DO?'' "^ 

^ ,^ "^ 

— o — ' \^ 

^ /i DREAM, but not all a dream/' O 
^ jljL and this the way of it. On a day • 
we opened a drawer for paper on which to write 
a letter to a friend, when we exhumed some 
sheets buried since our Sunny brethren failed 
in their attempt to tear away from the em- 
braces of their kind uncle. Those sheets were 
adorned with the patriotic pictures in brilliant 
illuminations, peculiar to that period. As we 



8 



ODDS AND ENDS. 




glanced over the devices we smiled. It seemed 
centuries since we had used such, and our life 
now so different, our daily sensations so dif- 
ferent, that we felt queer. It was like a glimpse 
of a forgotten existence in another world in 
which we once lived. 

We seleded a sheet 
luminous with the 
fierce-whiskered por- 
trait of a general, 
once a parishioner of 
our friend; the lat- 
ter, as you thus per- 
ceive, of that estima- 
ble class of citizens 

IMAGINARY PICTURE. ^^^^ arrayed in white 

^ ^., , . ,* , gowns one day in 

Dr» Wideawake rummaginff that ^ J 

drawer. scven, pcrch behind 

little boxes and talk to people to make them 
good and happy. We placed at the end this 
sentence, for we felt it : 

''P. S, Above is the portrait of a man who met Noah 
when he came out of the ark,'''* 



On an evening we attended a concert of 



ODDS AND ENDS 



those charming artistes, Carl Rosa and Mad- 
ame Parepa, and, at its close, went to a social 
of a good deacon's, who 
always gives a generous 
"spread." We are not 
so abusive to hospitality 
as to negled: creature com- 
forts when painstakingly 
prepared for us, nor so 
unamiable to our own 
appetites as to turn the 
cold shoulder to their 
moderate requests. So 
we did our duty as was 
becoming one who felt 
he had a part to perform 
in life, and before the 
wee small hours arrived, were in our proper 
place in horizontal position, our external 
senses deprived of their whereabouts. 

We dreamed, and the result is these reve- 
lations, just as All Gammon breathed them 
into our ears. Carl Rosa and Madame 
Parepa were also present, and we had their 
music interspersed through the narrative, and 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

^1^77*/ ^osa as he ptnys upon 
the violin, a?id .Madame 
Parepa white she sinffs. 



lO 



ODDS AND ENDS 






without expense. Should they, consequently, 

make any drafts upon us, we will try and 

honor the same. 

ilillM^ The immediate cause 
of our visions was evi- 
dently in the good Dea- 
con's fried oysters. We 
had often heard of oys- 
ters being coppery^ but 
this was our first experi- 
ence. We must have 
swallowed some copper- 
heads I We know it, for 
we saw snakes ! and in 
it, too, the biggest cop- 
perhead of all; that aw- 
ful one who, from an 

early day, has walked the earth, 

** To see how his stock goes on. 
And switched his long tail. 
As a gentleman switches his cane." 

You will perceive that most of the person- 
ages we saw in our vision are mere myths. 
General Grent is a myth ! Secretary Sewap 



■I 



IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The ffood beacon's 
^* Spread.'^ 



ODDS AND ENDS, II 

is a myth ! Secretary Stunem is a myth ! 
So is Grandmamma Wulles, JefFerson Devis, 
Baron Munchausen, and the Wandering Jew! 
Nobody ever heard of them before! All 
Gammon is not a myth ! Every body, even 
the children in the streets, know him. 

Sinbad the Sailor can't be a myth, for in 
our boy days we saw a sloop in New Haven 
harbor which had the words ^^The Dragon" 
on its stern, which a sailor aboard told us 
Sinbad once commanded; also a snufF-box, in 
the hands of an old sea pensioner, at Sailor's 
Snug Harbor, on Staten Island, who said it 
originally belonged to Sinbad. It was doubt- 
less the one thus herein poetically described: 

**His Love a pewter snufF-box had. 
And left him when she died." 

The snuff-box this old sea-dog had was 
pewter I He had years before given up his 
water life, and there was no chip big enough 
to tempt him to it again. 

**01d ships, in time. 
Must be out of commission. 
Nor again weigh anchor, 
Yo ! heave, O ! " 



12 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



Lemuel Gulliver is not a myth, for we were 
once in a fishing-smack off Gull Island, in 
Long Island Sound, and aboard was a venera- 
ble sea-faring man, known as '^ Old Sou'- 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

J/}\ Soii''7f€stei* makitiff that vegetable deposit upon t/te ?iose 
of steeping innoce7ice, 

wester," who had the rheumatism badly, and 
was universally respected. He was born on 
the ocean, cradled on its waves, and fed on 
hard-tack from the gum stage up. He made 
an appetizing chowder, the memory of which 
Is a delicious thing which we shall not sell for 
any of your Pendletum currency. He told 
us Lemuel taught him the art ; so we know 
Lemuel is not a myth. ^ 



ODDS AND ENDS, 13 

When Sou'-wester thus informed us, he 
cocked up his eyes, opened his mouth, and 
presenting his check to that depository, drew 
therefrom a moist vegetable deposit; then 
giving the waistband of his under-rigging a 
hitch, he balanced himself on his left leg, and, 
with surprising accuracy and force, threw it 
at a feminine beauty that lay in sleeping in- 
nocence on the deck. It struck square on the 
point of her smelling arrangement, when she 
sprang as if shot, curled her tail under her, 
yelped ^^ Ki yi, ki yi," darted off, and, in a 
twinkling, had disappeared down the hatch- 
way. 

Seven gentlemen, amateur fishermen, from 
New Haven, had just seated themselves around 
a table in the cabin for dinner. They were 
ravenous, for they had been off in the yawl 
fishing since sunrise, without any thing to eat, 
and it was then four o'clock in the afternoon. 
Their table was bountifully spread with good 
things; plenty of liquors, and, in the center, 
an immense dish of one of Sou'-wester's fa- 
mous chowders. The terror-stricken female, 
on arriving at the head of the hatchway, 



14 ODDS AND ENDS. 

appears to have forgotten (indeed, if she ever 
knew) the prudent maxim, *^Look before you 
leap." She gave a terrific spring, and, for a 
moment, was in no particular place, but was 
going to one quick. She appears to have 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Consternaiioti of the amateurs on the advent of the In-got^ 
and the anguish of the In-got, 

been billed for the chowder dish, for she 
landed plump in it just at the identical mo- 
ment that one of the amateurs had removed 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



15 



the cover to help around, and they were all 
looking on in eager anticipation. The chowder 
dish, the chowder itself, the liquors, glasses, 
and every thing else on that table, were thereby 
broken, and mixed, and scattered in one con- 
fused mass. Oh ! it was a grievous matter 
for the amateurs, so totally were they unpre- 
pared for such an oc-cur-rtnct ! It was a hard 
fad: in life that had struck them in a tender 
spot. It was none of your light, flimsy, 
Pendletum CUR-rency, but a solid IN- 
GOT! 

On recovering 
from their conster- 
nation, one of the 
anguished, kindly ^ 
very kindly^ took 
that female by the 
handle, and slowly^ 
very slowly^ walked 
up the hatchway to 
the lee side of the 
vessel, and bending 
over gently^ very gently^ for he was a humane 
amateur, deposited her in a wet^ very wet^ 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The deposit of the l7i-goi in a wet, 
rerjy wet jjtace. 



l6 ODDS AND ENDS. 

place, and she has not written to her friends 
since! 

We should not speak of such a painful mat- 
ter for fear of unnecessarily harrowing your 
feelings, but our veracity might be questioned 
by some unamiable persons, of which this 
world, alas! is too full, as regards this man 
Sou'wester, and the relation of this incident 
might possibly recall him to the recolleftion 
of those knowing these circumstances, or of 
somebody that did know of such as could tell 
them of some folks that might have done so, 
if they wanted to. 

It so happens that six of the seven gentle- 
men present were over forty years since gath- 
ered to their mothers.* We are not expeded 
to call upon them ! The name of the seventh 
we do n't recollecfl. We only know he was in 
the Educatory Corps of Yale. Some colleges 
do have Educatory Corps. He was in the 



* What Dr. Wideawake means by the expression *' gath- 
ered to their mothers," is not clear. Perhaps they had 
someway got into trouble, and, sorrowing, gone and hid 
their heads in their mamma's aprons. — The Publisher. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 17 

Botany part — was a Professor, and attended 
to a Herbarium of Greek Roots. 

Fortunately, though, two gentlemen were 
on deck and saw Mr. Sou'wester make that 
vegetable deposit, and, if living, we might call 
upon them as vouchers, for we take a just 
pride in mentioning their names as among ac- 
quaintances of those who might know us by 
hearsay, if they should try and find out some- 
body that thought they could learn of any 
people that ever did. We say we take a just 
pride in mentioning their names, viz. : Rock 
Hotchkiss, Esq., and Mr. Fry. The latter 
had a rural residence under the brow of Pine 
Rock, later got a situation in the Eleemosy- 
nary Institution of the town, where, we be- 
lieve, he did all that could have been expeded 
of him, giving general satisfadion, for he was 
a good boarder, and always walked every plank 
he trod upon in a commendatory manner. 

Mr. Fry's rural residence was once a great 
resort of citizens and strangers, to view its 
architedural proportions, and enjoy the charms 
of his conversation. His place went by the 
name of Frys Cave; why, though, we never 
2 



l8 ODDS AND ENDS. 

could see. It wa'n't much of a hole. It was 
quarried off, and used in the building of the 
Long Wharf in New Haven. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
Jffr, Fry's Hural Residence 



Jedediah Morse, in his geography, the first 
edition of which was published in 1784, says: 
^^This is the longest wharf in the United 
States." It is rendered necessary ^^ because the 
harbor is gradually filling up with mud." We 
are happy to say that harbor, to this day, con- 
tinues in the line of duty — ^^is gradually fill- 
ing up with mud." It is soothing to see how 
quiet, regular, every thing goes on in *^the 



ODDS AND ENDS. 19 

land of steady habits'' — even off shore. The 
contemplation somehow reconciles one to the 
hard fafts in life — while the soft fads seem 
more pleasing than ever. 

Rock Hotchkiss, Esq., lived in Hotch- 
kisstown, under West Rock. He was a re- 
markable individual. What his Christian 
name was we never knew — we do n't think any 
body ever did, unless it was his grandmother. 
He went^ and perhaps may have also returned^ 
by his mineralogical name. It was Rock. 
Earlv in life he tumbled off West Rock, 
which has a perpendicular of trap of nearly 
one hundred feet. Ever after his name was 
thus mineralogical, and because he gave such 
an interesting history of his sensations while 
falling. He stated soon as he found he was 
on the way, he was in perfe£l agony to get 
there — it seemed to him as though he never 
should reach bottom. 

When he was in the air, going ! going ! 
going! Mr. Hotchkiss's sufferings could not 
be called the agony of suspense^ but what 
might be termed the dropping agony; and 
when he arrived, he had the worst agony 



ao 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



of all — the stopping agony. Oh! it was dread- 
ful! Had he been a bird, he would have been 
spared suffering. Nobody ever blamed him 
because he was not a bird. He got thereby 

what we all desire in 
life — a solid name 
among his neighbors. 
We do n't believe he 
ever wrote folly to 
relieve the sad hours 
X)f any body. He 
•Wouldn't see the wis- 
dom of it. If ever he 
did write, it was about 
something substantial 
as the everlasting hills. 
Rock Hotchkiss had an incident with a 
rabbit. One day he was in the woods setting 
his traps, when he espied an immense snow- 
white rabbit wedged between two branches. 
He caught the animal, and at once started for 
his home with it under his arms. 

In the joy of his heart, he talked to it in a 
loving manner as he walked, just as though it 
understood him. Stroking the rabbit, he said : 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
SocA: IIoic?iA:iss , ^Esq. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 21 

^^Poor pussy! what a beautiful, plump 
little fellow you are! 

^'You are the finest rabbit I ever saw! 

'' I always was fond of rabbits ! 

''They are the best eating in the world! 

"I'll dress you, and get Mrs. Hotchkiss 
to stew you ! 

'^No, I won't; Til be hanged if I do! 
you'll be better broiled! 

''I '11 have a hot fire, have you split open, 
put on a gridiron, and thoroughly cooked 
brown and nice! 

''And then you shall be brought on to the 
table, well peppered and salted, and buttered 
with the best of butter. 

"And then Mrs. Hotchkiss and I will 
draw up our chairs and " 

Just as he got to this point, his face, all 
aglow with the ecstasy of anticipation, smack- 
ing his lips, and his inner man sympathizing 
with this outer expression, he inadvertently 
lifted up his arm, when that rabbit took a 
mean advantage — sprang away from him — 
darted oflf! 

For the moment. Rock Hotchkiss, Esq., 



22 



ODDS AND ENDS 



stood like a man who had just got an idea. 
He threw his head back, and raised up his 
hands. But it was for a moment, for Rock 
was a philosopher. He seized the hard fa6ls 
of life on their smooth sides. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

SocA: Hotckkiss^ ^sq,^ as he 2ooA:ed when he sent thai 
message after the rabbit. 



He changed his position, leaned his head 
and body forward, and bringing the palms of 
his hands on his knees, looked steadily at the 
fast vanishing form of his lost one, with an 
expression as if of annihilation; and, as he 
looked, he fiercely grated out between his 
teeth this message, and sent it over the line 
after him : 



ODDS AND ENDS. 2^ 

"Go! ye little, miserable, wooly-tailed cus! 
Go! ye aint wuth the butter 'twould take to cook 
ye!" 

The Noahs are not myths. The good book 
tells us about them, but do n't tell us they 
had girls. They didn't have any. It was a 
great mistake in the family arrangements. 
Girls are useful ! Useful to dust the parlor, 
read novels, thump the piano, walk the streets, 
and to call upon the paternal par^nt^for funds 
to pay for tickets to the rink. We shall al- 
ways speak well of the girls. Our mother 
was once one of 'em; but that was a long 
time ago, and she couldn't help herself; it 
was before she saw the ancient gentleman, 
and we, therefore, don't lay it up seriously 
against her. 

Andy Jinsin is not a myth, but an aftual 
reality. We know it, for we voted for him, 
and been happy ever since at the thought we 
did it. 

His Satanic Majesty is not a myth. Jawge 
H. Pendletum is not a myth — can't be a myth 
—mustn't be a myth; there is a dreadful ne- 
cessity for his existence I 



a4 ODDS AND ENDS. 

From the strange, crooked goings on in 
this country the last two years, 

Don't every body say, 
" The d 1 's to pay ! " 

We are in favor of paying our honest debts ; 
and as, by common consent, this wicked wretch 
is our great creditor, we must give him his due. 
But as he will make bad use of the money, 
we throw up our hats for paying him in the 
most spavined currency that can be raised. 
Pendletum is the man to raise it for us — the 
only man. Trot him out! Three cheers and 
a tiger for Pendletum ! 

Dreams have been published before. Don't 
^^the Book of books" contain visions and 
dreams? Why, it all ends in a dream ! But 
we have an advantage: our dream can be 
mostly interpreted, for it reflefts 

*^ The living manners as they rise." 

We said "we dreamed a dream, but it was 
not all a dream." We did ; but all the dream 
we have not told. We dreamed some things 
so wonderful that we should tremble to relate 



ODDS AND ENDS. 25 

them, for fear that none would believe that 
we dreamed them. It would be unwise to do 
so; would so hurt us on a point where we 
feel peculiarly tender — tarnish our reputation 
for veracity ! 

Hi ♦ ♦ ♦ Jl^ ♦ H' ♦ * ♦ ^: ♦ H' * 



The Publisher 

/ Jo Jou. ^^, 

^ \ PAINFUL INCIDENT O 

J7\. occurred when Dr. Alate 
Wideawake was last in our office, which pre- 
v^ented him from explaining some apparent 
incongruities in his vision, and also from 
making his intended curve of courtesy and 
farewell. We have not seen nor heard of 
him since, and fear some accident may have 
befallen him. 

There was a rumor, though we can trace it to 
no reliable source, that he had gone ^^ abroad" 
— went on a mission — appointed ^^ Charge de 

(27) 



28 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Affairs'' among the Hottentots. Perhaps 
Andy may have appointed him. He did 
much for the ^'elevation" of Andy: held the 
bottle the day he was inaugurated. It was 
necessary that Andy should sign a document, 
and Alate held the ink bottle. Andy signed 
his name, and put a circle around it, to indi- 
cate that he was going to be a circumference, 
which he has been: and felt as though he was 
in the straightest of all lines in being a cir- 
cumference. 

We do think Andy has sent him to the 
Hottentots. What makes us think it true is 
that the Sandy Hook Pilots just in, bring word 
they met one hundred miles and two rods out 
at sea a scow filled with passengers bound for 
the ^^ other side." Dr. Alate Wideawake may 
have been one of those passengers. We think 
he was — indeed are certain he was. Where 
else can he be ? 

As Dodor Wideawake is thus absent, and 
we know, absolutely know, gone on a mission 
— for have we not proved it .^ — it becomes us 
to explain some apparent incongruities in his 
book. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 29 

Now first he speaks of that pidure as mak- 
ing him feel as though it was the portrait of 
a man who met Noah when he came out of the 
Ark. We all of us say when we see any thing 
much antiquated, ^Mt looks as though it came 
out of the Ark.'' We feel this, and so say it. 
But Dodor Wideawake has a logical mind. 
He knew there were no generals in the Ark, 
at any rate not any of our Uncle Samuel's gen- 
erals ; at the same time he felt as though this 
general lived as far back as that time, and so 
wrote to his clerical friend. 

The entire dream is full of incongruities ; 
but only think, though, what poor Wideawake 
had swallowed! — and how he must have suf- 
fered! It was enough to make any body have 
incongruous dreams. Now it is all out of 
him, we hope he will keep at more sober busi- 
ness. 

The Noah family, as dreamed about by him, 
are much like the old-fashioned New England 
Yankees, as they were when he was a boy, and 
dovetailed and mixed into matters and things, 
and human beings considerably every-where 
on Uncle Sam's farm at the present time. 



30 ODDS AND ENDS. 

We think, if Dodor Wideawake had re- 
mained in his native Connefticut, his dreams 
would have been regular and methodical, as 
dreams usually are. Our apology is that he 
has lived more than twenty years in the West, 
among that barbarous, rude people, and so 
has become woefully degenerated. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Doctor Wideawake seen taking Sen Wout(fs paper 
iyisirumentatty , 

Were it not for the Atlantic Monthly, the 
Tribune, and the Independent, which he has 
always taken regularly, together with piscato- 
rial consignments from Cape Cod, for family 
use, we believe nothing could have saved him 
from utter wreck. He did once take Ben 
Would's paper, not regularly, but instrument- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 31 

ally. It was only once: and the instrument, 
a pair of tongs ! 

The Doftor told us that although he has 
written these revelations as being whispered 
in his ears by All Gammon, this explanation 
must not be taken literally. He was, in fad, 
spiritually possessed by him, and saw as with 
All Gammon's own eyes, and heard as with 
All Gammon's own ears, and smelt as with 
All Gammon's own nose, every thing that 
transpired, hence he is enabled to give such 
vivid descriptions. How such a thing could 
happen is mysterious. Later in the age of 
the world it is to be hoped the chemistry of 
spiritual infusion and transmutation will be 
better understood. For the present, we must, 
in these matters, pull in our oars, and let the 
water drip from their ends until we obtain new 
revelations. In the meanwhile, as we rest, 
we will just ask the steersman to hand over 
for our thirsty throats such spiritual refresh- 
ment as he has already stowed away, tightly 
corked, in the little box under his seat. 

When the Doftor had his composition ready 
for the press, he felt keenly the necessity of 



3^ 



ODDS AND ENDS 



having it all just right. He would not lightly 
present to the public a work of such a weighty 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

^r. Wideawake Is seen suhmiiiinff the manusc7*tpt of i?us worA? 
to a town meeting of citizens for their approval, 

import. He sent the town crier through the 
streets, with a bell, and at the corners with a 
loud ^^Oh, yes! Oh, yes!'' the citizens were 
summoned at a public meeting to hear it read 
paragraph by paragraph, and to vote upon each 
separately. In most cases they voted an unan- 
imous approval. In others much dissent en- 
sued, and angry and vociferous discussion, 



ODDS AND ENDS. ^3 

ending with several unhappy knockdowns, 
which grieved the good Dodor, who is tender- 
hearted to a fault, most sorely. These dis- 
turbing points were finally settled by a division 
of the house, and a counting of hands. 





IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
7'//f' Sarans ni the Suits ^ye passttiff upon the Doctor^ s poetry* 

The poetry was submitted for revision and 
criticism to that same committee of most won- 
derful savans, who lodged in the very bull's 
eye of refinement, scholarly learning, and ar- 
tistic culture, passed upon that grand transla- 
tion by their most eminent brother savan of 
the "Divine Commedia." 



34 ODDS AND ENDS. 

'*By a love-sick chap, 

A poem writ, name Dante ; 
North of the heel tap. 
In boot-shape Italee. " 

This matter was finally settled to the gen- 
eral satisfaftion of the illuminatii, excepting 
on one point — Dr. Oliver Wendell Humes 
entered on record his solemn protest against 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
2%€ Winters in Councit passing upon the Doctor- s ptmctuat/on, 

his poetry being used as our author has han- 
dled it. He thought if a pump was started 
with his water, it ought to be jerked through 
upon it. 

The punctuation was submitted to six del- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 35 

egates from the typographical unions of six 
of our principal cities, convened for the pur- 
pose. Alas, here was the most trouble of all! 
No two printers could agree upon a single 
point. One thought there ought to be a colon 
where was a semi-colon — another a dash where 
was a period — another a comma where was 
nothing, and so on interminably. At the 
close of five days of unintermitted labor, with- 
out getting a single disputed point settled, the 
Doftor in despair put a full stop to the busi- 
ness by snatching up his MSS. from the table, 
and rushing from the room: after which he 
sent each of the gentlemen a free ticket to re- 
turn to his wife and babies by the first through 
lightning train — and they went at once with a 
big dash and many exclamations and interjec- 
tions at the Doftor, for his sudden unceremo- 
nious departure from their midst. 

Just before' Dodor Wideawake left he 
brought into our office a quantity of frames. 
He wanted his readers to draw upon their 
imaginations while they perused, and as an 
inducement to do this he has generously sup- 
plied frames free of expense. If his readers 



36 ODDS AND ENDS. 

comply with his desires, this work will be the 
subjed of the most varied and copious illus- 
trations of any extant. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
7)orfor yndean'aAe cfeposih'nff his frames. 

We referred early in our curve to a painful 
incident as having occurred when the Doftor 
was last in our establishment. The day was 
excessively rainy, and he had left his umbrella 
— a most valuable article, of French manufac- 
ture — leaning against our safe. Accidentally 
turning from his writing, he saw a cormorant 
just passing out of the door with this prized 
rain protedor. An ad of such an unheard-of 
and monstrous a charader aroused Dr. Wide- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



37 



awake to frenzy, and he darted after him like 
a high-spirited bantam who finds a neighbor 
stealthily invading the sandity of his domestic 
relations. His departure is symbolized below. 
It will be perceived the last thing shown is 
the feather end, which simply illustrates that 
the/^jj had its proper accompaniment. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



CHAPTER A 



In which are introduced some noted historical charaBers ; as 
the United States Moses, All Gammon^ Lemuel Gulliver^ 
Sinbad the Sailor, Baron Munchhausen, the Wandering Jew, 
with anecdotes of the same never before published. 




A 



LONGSIDE 

is ^;chibited an 
(?;ca6l copy of an ex- 
cellent portrait of an 
^;ctraordinary per- 
sonage sometimes 
termed the ^^Great 
Accidentosity^ ' ' fro m 
which it is inferred 
he was a relative of Sancho Panza. He it 
was who, in an ^•vtreme d'.vigency, ^;certed 
himself to d-^ctricate Noah after he d'Arultingly 
made his <f;calting exit from the ark. In those 

(39) 



llliiiUllI 



40 ODDS AND ENDS. 

venerated lineaments you behold the United 
States ^^ Moses " with his head off! 

And Carl Rosa flayed upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

On Pisgah's mount 

I'll take MY stand. 
And guide thee, SAMBO, 

To the promised land. 

Temperance and purity 

In MY example lies ; 
Come and be like ME ! — 

Noble, great, and wise ! 

That the original portrait is accurate v/e 
know, for we were so told by the artist who 
painted it from life on the day of the happen- 
ings, by a knot of ends here in these pages 
untied, and given by us as related by him. 

A comprehensive name had this artist. It 
was All. He was thus named because he so 
closely resembled his father's family — the 
Gammons. All Gammon, according to reve- 
lations to us, was on familiar terms with some 
noted charafters, as Lemuel Gulliver, Baron 
Munchhausen, Sinbad the Sailor, the Wander- 
ing Jew, and Jack the Giant Killer. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 4I 

Lemuel Gulliver was fond of the seaside, 
and a glorious good fellow on board a sail- 
boat in a squall. His knack at making an 
appetizing chowder was unequaled. 

Baron Munchausen ever exhibited a delicate 
regard for the truth. He was the real hero 
of the charming anecdote of the boy, cherry- 
tree, and hatchet, and that immortal expression, 
^' Papa, I can't tell a lie,'' which we have seen 
related, although we may be mistaken, as an 
incident in the history of one G. Washington. 

Sinbad the Sailor, early in life, run the 
smack ^^T>ragon^' in the onion trade between 
Weathersfield and the Hook. At the age of 
twenty he followed oystering for a living. 
And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

** It was a tall young oysterman. 
Lived by the river side ;" 
'His Love a pewter snufF-box had. 
And left him when she died. 

After this afBiding dispensation, Sinbad 
commanded a stern-wheel boat in the Arkan- 
sas River trade. He was an especial favorite 



42 



ODDS AND ENDS 



with the Underwriters, who paid him a large 
premium for the privilege of insurance. He 
was one of four brothers — Sini?ady Slnzvorse^ 
Sinmore^ and Sin/ess. Sinworse w^as an officer 
of the Yazoo Tigers, in the Confederate army; 
Sinmore a Knight of the Golden Circle, and 
Past Grand of the Silver Triangle ; while 
Sinless walked in^ and then trotted out for 
woman's rights. All four were of irreproach- 
able morals ; that is, no one reproached them 
because of their possession. 

The Wandering Jew Vv^as All Gammon's 

chum. He married 
for his 630th wife a 
young grass widow 
from an obscure 
town in Illinois, 
called, we believe, 
Chicago. She had 
been for some time 
browsing on dry 
feed. 

The courtship was romantic. They ex- 
changed photographs ; their wedding tour 
was to Alaska; the sudden change of climate 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

It "edclinff of the Jranderinsr Jeff and 

the Chicaffo tady^ nho becomes 

his esOih wife. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



43 



killed her — she sweat to death. The late Gov- 
ernment Expedition, from a chaste design, 
eredied a monument to her memory. The 
inscription is an honor to the American 
Union, and will live and shine a gem in 
defuHul literature. The funeral ceremonies 
were impressive. A 
procession, preceded 
by a brass band blow- 
ing wmd instruments, 
marched to the spot — 
sailors, soldiers, and 



marines ; so some of 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 



FtmcroJ of the Jetrii GSOih 
n'f'/e. 



the marines told All 
Gammon as it was 
told to them. 

That same evening the Wandering Jew 
proposed, for his 631st wife, to an Alaska 
maiden, whom he found feasting on blubber 
and train oil. She put the ^^ open and shut'' 
upon him ; saucily laid one finger under her 
left eyelid, and pulled it down. This made 
her look wicked. Closing her eyelid, she next 
twitched a mitten from her hand, and threw 
at him in contempt. It was a fur mitten. 



44 ODDS AND ENDS. 

The Jew gave a howl of anguish, turned on his 
heel and ran rapidly northward for six days 
and seven nights, when, at dawn of the sev- 
enth day, he reached the North Pole. Having 
in past times taken a quarter's lessons in the 
art from Jack the Giant Killer, he began to 
climb, and by dusk had mounted to its top. 
When last seen he was a-sitting upon its apex, 
and with a woe-begone expression gazing into 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
The yf^anderinff Jew a-sitthiff on t?(e JS'^orih 'Pole, 

vacancy, his shadow, in the low position of the 
luminary in that high altitude, reaching sev- 
enty miles. It was then broken short off by 
striking against an iceberg. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



45 



And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

Alaska maid ! O Alaska maid ! 
How could you serve me so ? 

1 'm shivering on this northern pole. 

And to it tight shall grow. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
The cilasX:a maiden gives the fTew ike mi Hen. 

The Jew had been weeping, for long tear- 
formed icicles hung from his bearded jaws 
and glistened in the Arftic sun. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 47 



CHAPTER B. 

Which describes how Mr. Noah was extricated from an un- 
pleasant little happening by Andy, Secretaries Sewap and 
McKashlocky General Grent, Ben Botlazv, and others ; the 
discovery of Chicago ; auction of George Francis Fast line, 
and the jig of the strong-minded, 

THE Noahs were ancestors of mine, but 
by my mother's side only, Mr. Noah's 
first name was Jonathan. He was of consid- 
erable stature, and corpulent; his visage rubi- 
cund and jolly. 

On leaving the ark he was so jubilant that, 
unmindful of the saturated condition of the 
soil, he shouted, ^^ Hurra for Andy Jinsin ! '* 
and then giving a circular swing, sprang off, 
sinking to his neck in the soft undluosity. 
Some passengers going by in an omnibus 
stage bribed the driver with twenty cents in 
postal currency to stop. Among these were 
Billy Sewap, Jerry Darkname, and others, be- 



48 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



Side Andy Jinsin himself, who, with a shock- 
ing familiarity, they called to his face, ^^Mosel '' 
They tried to pry Mr. Noah out with some 
rails from an old Virginia fence hard by. All 
in vain, until Secretary McKashlock applied 
the financial screws. The eifed was marvelous. 
He came out at once with a pop and an effer- 
vescence. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Secretary McKashtocA: exlrtcafef Jfr, A'^oah by appfying 
the financial screws. 

General Grent, who had been outside with 
the driver smoking, bossed the job, during 
which he consumed several cigars — eight boxes 
of long nines, a present from Ben Walkon- 
bottom, when the General had his horse 
talk. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 49 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin y while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

''And when he next doth ride abroad. 
May you and I be there to see," 
If mounted on a steed of gold. 
But not on spavined currency, 

Mr. Noah was taken to Plymouth Rock to 
be cleaned, when Ben Botlaw^ hove in view, 
coming across the Hingham Meadows with 
his Woman's Order pinned across his breast, 
and over his back a cofFee-bag, loaned by the 
Great American Tea Company. Staggering 
up, he threw down his burden with a pufF 
and a grunt. As it was emptied, out came 
two bushels of marine shells,^ from the Dutch 

* We asked the author if he noticed that any silver spoons 
came out of that bag, upon which he fired up in great 
indignation, and tartly replied : '* That was a vile, cop- 
pery slander ; that old Ben down there was the rightest 
man in the rightest place that ever was seen ; there never 
was such a perfeft fit." He said "it wiped out all his 
old sins of commission before the big fuss came on, when 
he strutted in such high feather at the Convention of Sal- 
amanders, in the City of Game Cocks.*' We agreed with 
him,— The Publisher. 



50 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Gap CanaL When General Grent described 
to him the exhuming process, he said the old 
patriarch " came up like a cork out of a 
bottky' at which Ben's face suddenly dropped. 
And Carl Rosa played upon the violin y while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

He was bottled tight. 

Was bottled long; 
*T was on the Jeem's, 

So goes the song. 

^Twas there he fumed, 

*Twas there he fretted, 
*T was there he sissed. 

And effervesced. 

George Francis Fastline, assisted by two 
strong-minded, seized the shells and scraped 
Mr. Noah into a presentable condition,, and 
then with modesty improved the occasion. 
He unrolled a map of his lots in Omaha to 
aud:ion, while Theodore Tellem rung the bell 
and cried profusely. They were started at five 
millions a running foot, which, considering 
the currency, Pendletum's Windbacks, Sec- 
retary McKashlock thought reasonable. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 51 

The size of the map was uncommon, ex- 
tending so uply that the man in the moon and 
his wife were enabled, from the porch of their 
new gothic cottage, to seize and hold the upper 
corners to allow Fastline to spread. The lower 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
Otd Sen ^oitaw emptying the slieiis upon l^ly mouth ^ock, 

corners were held by two gas-bags from that 
obscure town in Illinois of which we have 
spoken — the name has slipped our memory. 
Oh! now we recoiled! it is from a Nemonic 



52 ODDS AND ENDS. 

— Crow. It originated in a little private scrap 
of history. 

Father Marquette, the French Jesuit mis- 
sionary, in his early explorations came to a 
tad-pole sort of a spot near the southern end 
of the Lake, Michigan. The only inhabitant 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Yhe discovery of Chicaffo. JF'ather J^fa7'qiieiie is frighlened 
at the CroWy and the Crow at Father Jfarquette. 



was a crow, a-sitting on her nest in the vicin- 
ity of a slough. Frightened — he being the 
first missionary she had ever seen — she gave 
a loud ^^caw^^ and then flew away. 

At this moment the good father was, 
alone, cautiously making his way by stepping 
from bog to bog. He was so startled by the 



ODDS AND ENDS. 5J 

sudden uprising of the bird, and her loud, 
horrid cry, that he raised up his arms and 
sprang back in terror. 

Alighting in a soft spot, he came near losing 
his life, for he at once went down like a stone 
in a mortar-bed, sinking up to his middle, and 
would have gone entirely under had he not 
caught hold of a stout bog, by which he was, 
after much difficulty, enabled to extricate him- 
self. He was so thoroughly panic-stricken by 
his narrow escape, that he durst not again trust 
himself on his feet in such a treacherous local- 
ity. He lay flat on his bowels, and worked 
his way out in that position as best he could, 
by pulling himself from bog to bog, glad 
enough to escape even in that manner. 

The incident made a profound impression 
on Father Marquette, and in giving the details 
to Roger Williams, after his banishment to 
Rhode Island, the venerable priest said, in his 
broken English, in alluding to the sudden up- 
rising of the miserable bird, ''''She caw^ then go I " 
hence the name. In our day, the place has 
quite a number of the genus ^^caw'' known 
as "She caw geese." 



54 



ODDS AND ENDS 



And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

Birds of a feather 
Will flock together, 
Perch on slender legs. 
Coo, and lay their eggs. 

Some too strong for food. 
Yet others very good; 
The. whole, indeed, quite small. 
And only eggs, after all ! 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The ttronsf-mmded dancinff a j?g to gton^ affajf the f^endietum 

windhacks in a coffee-bag of the Great :^fnerican Tea 

Company, 

The sale finished, the big bag of the Great 
American Tea Company was filled by the 



ODDS AND ENDS. 55 

female assistants, and the cramming process 
finished by their alternately dancing a jig upon 
its open top. Wearing bloomers, their salta- 
tory agility was such as to be suggestive of the 
^^ Black Crook." 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

In a world of woe and wrong. 

We '11 dance in reckless glee. 
We go in for POWER and PLACE, 

And a fig for the currency ! 
The fiends below do dance. 

So merrily dance we. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 57 



CHAPTER C. 

Which describes the Pen die turn Currency ; ascent of and burst- 
ing of the balloon ; fall of the JJnterrified and resuscitation 
of Jawge ; swelling, bursting, and transmutation of Eight- 
Hour Sam into a thunder cloud, 

THE Pendletum currency merits notice. 
We possess one hundred of the million- 
dollar bills. Still our great apprehension is 
the Aims-House. The face of the note has 
engraved upon it gas-works, bubbles, a kite, 
a bladder, wind instruments, as trumpets, 
trombones, tin horns, bassoons, and a pair 
of bellows. These devices are relieved by a 
dark-toned lathework, shown under the mi- 
croscope to be a field of grass, suggestive for 
what it concealed. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

*' He wriggled in and wriggled out. 
And tried to make the people doubt 



58 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Whether the S7iake that made the track. 
Was going South, or coming back." 

The vignette is an elegant work where Art 
delineates History. An ascending balloon is 
filled with a delegation, all of the Unterrified, 
excepting Eight-Hour Sam — alas ! poor Tray ! 

Luminously shines there the smiling visage 
of Jawge himself. All are attired as harle- 
quins, and with fool's caps. A jolly crowd 
are upward gazing. These people also wear 
fool's caps, and it is said their fore pieces 
were sheep's pelts. Above the balloon the 
Confederate flag is flaunting. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

Up with stripes and bars, boys ! 

We '11 give the Blue Backs Jesse ! 
Give the Blue Backs Jesse, boys. 

With our NEW rebel tune. 

The back of the bill is a continuation of the 
History. Art there perpetuates the culminat- 
ing event, the collapse and fall of the Unterri- 
fied. Some were killed outright : some fell 
into a swamp: some into tree tops, and were 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



S9 



saved. Jawge tumbled head first souse into 
an ancient tan vat. When they saw him fall 
all felt he had gone up. He was fished out 
by the Humane Society, who did every thing 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Cottapge of the baUooUj and fatt of the UnUrrified^ and 

Screechinff, 

for his resuscitation. He was rolled in a bar- 
rel. He was held up by the legs to empty out 
the tan liquid. All in vain, when rosy-cheeked, 
good-humored Aleck Longman came up and 
administered three bags of nitrous oxygen. 
At the second Jawge sneezed twice and kicked. 
At the third he was restored to the bosom of 



6o ODDS AND ENDS. 

his family, and the embraces of the Unwashed 
and Screeching. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sa?ig : 

'* Oh ! ye ragged throng of dimmocrats. 
As thick as rats ; 
Moll Gary *s come to town 
To dance with Deacon Ives." 

This is not all the history, nor all the pic- 
ture. Five miles high in air, at the point 
of collapse, was a solitary figure. This was 
Eight-Hour Sam — immortal Sam. Unable 
to descend, too etherial to do so, he was at his 
normal position in the sky. 

WJien this event occurred, the astronomer 
at the Washington Observatory had his teles- 
cope bearing upon the point. To a deputation 
of Eight-Hour men inquiring for the fads in 
the apotheosis of their champion, he stated 
that Sam soon engaged in a series of gyrations, 
as if making a financial speech in the high tide 
line, which he doubtless was, and illustrated, 
too, by rhetorical flourishes from his old tem- 
perance orations, when he figured so usefully 



ODDS AND ENDS. 6l 

in the regimentals of the cold-water army. 
His face was southward. He walked too and 
fro; gesticulated severely; stamped; cast up 
his arms; dove his hands through his hair, 
and shook his black, massive locks, as a lion 
shaketh his mane. Sam was evidently on a 
tare — was at his loftiest flight. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

"Old King Cole was a jolly old soul. 
He had his fiddlers three;" 
And he plafd IN and they plafd OUT, 
'T was all about the currency. 

At the end of an hour, Sam accidentally 
turned northward, when he started as in won- 
der. From his elevation he had made a dis- 
covery — descried the melancholy figure of the 
Wandering Jew seated upon the apex of the 
North Pole. His soul was touched with com- 
passion: and he went through the pantomime 
of love and courtship, during the address he 
made to the heart-broken man. He was prob- 
ably advising the Jew to leave his roosting- 
place among the icebergs and eternal snows. 



62 ODDS AND ENDS. 

and come South, and propose for his 631st 
wife to one of the Fox girls. What the efFed 
was upon the Jew is unknown. As he was 
not then heard from, it is supposed he was so 
tightly frozen to the pole, that he could not 
go a courting without an unpropitious rending 
of his garments. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

'^Oh ! woman, in our hours of ease. 
Uncertain, coy, and hard to please ; " 
When short of FUNDS, in thee a change we see, 
A PURRing Angel RUBS for Currency I 

After this, at 4 o'clock P. M., a surprising 
phenomena ensued : — seen by the Sons of 
Women and Daughters of Men below. To 
the horror of the Eight-Hour advocates, Sam's 
body began to expand. The ether in him, 
relieved by his altitude from its usual atmos- 
pheric pressure, had unrestrained adion. 
Every thing swelled in its natural proportion, 
head, arms, legs, body, and all his features. 
Each particular hair on his head arose on end 
and expanded also. In ten minutes he had 



ODDS AND ENDS. 6^ 

swollen out one hundred feet — in ten more 
had attained a thousand — in a third ten to five 
thousand! His eyes were upturned, and the 
whole expression was of rhapsody. A nimbus 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Sam in the sky. Just befo7*e he burst ^ swotteti to a mite in 

dimensions. 



or halo, as of glory, seemed as it were fo en- 
velop and emanate from that immense pres- 
ence ! 

What an objedl! a man in the sky with a 
body a mile long, and eyes larger than a 
meeting-house ! What could n't such eyes 
see? 



64 ODDS AND ENDS. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

''Such folks as ME are very rare. 
And few and far between ; " 
Small birds are often seen in air. 
But rare, have blad 

At this point, Carl broke his fiddle-string, 
and Madame was seized with a fit of cough- 
ing, so the verse was unfinished. Carl turned 
over his violin, unlocked a little recess in its 
under side, and taking therefrom one of 
Brown's bronchial troches, with a smile and 
bow passed it to Madame. In a few moments 
they were again ready. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violiny while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

"Oh! wouldn't I like to catch him. 
Whoever he may be ! 
Would n't I give him particular fits. 
The chap that looks like me ! " 

Another phenomena ensued. A loud re- 
port, simultaneous with a tornado-like gust, 
came from above, and before any could take 
in its meaning, prostrated every man, woman, 



ODDS AND ENDS. 6^ 

and child in that crowd. Gold in Wall St. 
tumbled down to par, crushing all the Bears. 
The Board adjourned, and the crowd lay 
senseless : not a soul even kicked. 

On the recovery of the people from their 
horizontal posture, a vast, round, bulging, 
wool-like cloud was resting over the spot. 
The rest of the sky was one ocean of blue. 
The cloud looked beautifully in the sunlight 
of that summer afternoon, soft and serene, as 
if inviting to repose. It floated tranquilly to 
the west; was lit up grandly by the declining 
sun in crimson and gold, changed into a deep 
purple, and then became dark and ominous. 
At intervals, from low in the horizon darted 
flashes of liglitning, mingled with sullen rum- 
blings as of distant thunder. Finally all dis- 
appeared, and night and silence was in the 
Heavens. 

It was the last seen of well-meaning Eight- 
Hour Sam ! 

He had attained his Nirwena ! 

Had been absorbed in the Great Essence ! 

Poor Sam ! If ever he again perchance to 
visit our Earth, it will be in the form of much 

5 



66 ODDS AND ENDS. 

wind, considerable cold water, and pockets fulJ 
of spavined currency. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

And the waters do roll. 
And the wind doth blow. 
On the large lake of Ohio. 

That day was one to be remembered. The 
bar at Delmonico's was never before so beset 
by despondent bears : and when the people 
went home at night they had something to 
think of and to talk about. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 67 



CHAPTER D. 

Which tells of the discovery of Mr, Noah^s boots in the Rocky 
Mountains by laborers on the Pacific Railroad, and gives 
some anecdotes of the Noahs, which shows they were much 
like our sort of folks, 

JONATHAN NOAH, Esq., met with a 
loss by his exhilarating jump. The mud 
had 'boot-jacked him out of a pair of new 
cowhides that Adams' Express had dead- 
headed through from the Land of Nod. 
They were a Christmas present from the 
Noddies. Those identical boots were found 
a short time since by some laborers in the 
Rocky Mountains while excavating for the 
Pacific Railroad. They appeared as was nat- 
ural after having worked their way through 
from the other side — singed from the internal 
heats, and, of course, bottoms up. 

We are pleased to speak respedfully of Mr. 
Noah's sons. Japheth was a solemn-looking 



68 ODDS AND ENDS. 

young man, with a mysterious air. He had 
on a Freemason's apron. Ham was pig-eyed, 
and his hair and beard like bristles. He used 
freely Hall's Sicilian Hair Renovator. Shem 
was a simpering, flippant youth, who wore a 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

discovery of J^^oah's hoots hy tabor€7's o?i the ^ac//ie ^rrth^oad 

in the ItocJry Mountains, They appeared as was natu7'aZ 

after having come through from the other side—ronsider- 

abty singed from the internal heats, and bottoms up, 

bob-tailed coat, a low, top-heavy hat, and 
lisped. He ''tho't thar had bin a conthidable 
of a thower." He thought right. 

Mr. Noah's three grown daughters — for it 
seems he had girls, also — were substantial, 



ODDS AND ENDS. 69 

home-bred bodies, at no dangerous elevation 
in the sciences, but well trained in house- 
wifery. Although themselves good enough 
for ^' human nature's daily food/' they had 
taken a course in the culinary art from Pro- 
fessor Blow. They had never been '^abroad;" 
indeed, had not been out of Asia. Pleasant 
excursions to the Land of Nod comprised 
the extent of their travels. Unfamiliar with 
any language but their own, they wisely judged 
it better to talk good sense and corredl gram- 
mar in that one than folly and bad grammar 
in a dozen. Upon the good earth where they 
dwelt, in those far-away worlds they saw glit- 
tering above, they found ample sources for 
the expansion of their intelledls and the grat- 
ification of their tastes, without losing their 
fresh, young, beautiful years in the mysteries 
of the linguistic symbols of strange peo- 
ples. 

They were, however, human beings; girls 
usually are; therefore they had a weakness — 
trails. These were thirty yards long. They 
carried respeftively in their han^s the latest 
issues of Godey's Lady's Book, Madam 



yo ODDS AND ENDS. 

Demorest's Magazine of Fashions, and Har- 
per's Bazaar. 

Their wardrobes were brought ashore by 
the elephant, in his trunk; their Wheeler 
and Wilson's, on his back. With all their 
good sense, it thus seems they partook of 
some of the vanities of this strange world, 
of which the greatest can fathom so little. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

OUR LIFE OUTLINED. 

'T is a queer ball. 

Where we jog on our "pins;" 
We can't jump away. 

And see how it spins. 

'T is here we are born. 

Play, work, laugh, and sigh. 
Love, wed, have children. 

Grow old, and then die. 

Still round the ball whirls. 

And we are forgot, 
None care and none know — 

Oblivion 's our lot. 

The names of these young damsels were 
Polly Ann, Sally Jane, and Hephzibah. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 71 

Mrs. Noah was a match for her spouse in 
stature, corpulence, and exuberance. The long 
spell of damp weather had deepened her natu- 
rally roseate hue. Ancient expressions enliv- 
ened her conversation; as, 

"O, my!'' 

^^I want to know! '* 

^''Tou do nt say so ! '* 

^^I never!'' 

''Do tell!" 

''LaWy Suz!" etc. 

She possessed that rare combination of being 
both a good listener and a good talker. Often 
have we seen the old lady, in one of her social 
moods, at work in her easy chair, with her 
heavy silver speftacles on, her stocking-basket 
by her side, in which, maybe, puss had crawled, 
and lay curled. 

Such was her talent for mimicry, so well 
could she light up the salient points of a ludi- 
crous story, that, if it had been ordained that 
death was to come to us from laughter, long 
ere this we should have been screwed up in a 
box. Luckily, nothing worse ever befell us 
than to tumble from our chair, which happened 



7^ 



ODDS AND ENDS 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Portrait of Jfrs, A^oah as she 

tooA:ed when 7'e2aiing some 

of her funny stories. 



on three separate occasions, as we well remem- 
ber. No richer treat 
existed than to hear 
Mrs. Noah talk when 
she darned. 

Whenever any ex- 
citable person annoyed 
her listeners in an of- 
ficious zeal to help her 
out in any story she 
was relating, by interpolating an unimportant 
item, she had a peculiar way of brushing them 
aside. Lifting up her arm, with her index 
finger pointing from her clasped hand, she 
brought down that member with the em- 
phasis of a pump-handle, at the same time 
looking the offender sternly in the face, and 
exclaiming in an imperious tone, ^'Do7it in- 
terrupt!'' 

It was the only unamiable thing in her 
charader, which our regard for the truth 
compels us to notice, though we are sorry for 
it; but then she was touched on a tender 
point — felt her reputation at stake. 

To know a genial old lady like her, who 



ODDS AND ENDS. 73 

had grown wisely with her years, sipping 
sweets by the way instead of acids, was worth 
a luscious plum. She wanted her ''gals'' to 
enjoy themselves as she had done. They had 
no secrets from her, and she entered into their 
little plans with a zest that kept her heart 
fresh and young as spring-time. Instead of 
lamenting modern fashions, she only laughed 
at them, and no more expeded old heads on 
young shoulders than the full moon in the 
time of horns. 

She had brought up her children well, and 
now, as they were mostly grown, had her re- 
ward. They had been sent regularly to church 
and Sabbath-school, and were not allowed to 
play out on the holy day until after sunset. 
It is true, they sometimes did this, but it was 
only toward evening when a deceiving cloud 
obscured the luminary, by which interposition 
of Nature the little ones innocently gained 
the trifling matter of half an hour or so. It 
was never laid up or registered anywhere 
against them, we verily believe. Do n't under- 
stand us they were perfe^ children; by no 
means. They had their little faults, and they 



74 



ODDS AND ENDS 



were so clearly their own that none disputed 
their title. Sometimes they quarreled with 
each other; and they even had been known, 
^^Sabba'(\^.y'' afternoons, when the old folks 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

2'he JVoak chitdren ptav?nff in the f/arden ^* Sabba'-day,^^ 

Catchi7tf/ bumbte-bees off the ?iolIykawks with cta?n-s7i€llgy 

and then hotditiff 'em up to ikeir ears to hear 'e^n srnff/ 

were a-napping in their chairs, to slyly steal 
out the back door into the '^gardinV' pick 
currants and green apples, and eat 'em; or 
catch bumble-bees from off the hoUyhawks 
between two clam-shells, and having got 'em 



ODDS AND ENDS. 75 

thus imprisoned, hold 'em up to their ears to 
hear 'em sing! 

But if they had not occasionally been 
naughty, they never would have ^^ repented," 
and this would have been "agin natur," you 
know. They were made to read the Bible, 
in course, yet were allowed to skip the 
"begats." 

System prevailed in the household, and just 
enough restraint for the good of all. In gen- 
eral, we may say, it was always sunshine there, 
excepting, of course, during the period of the 
great flood. 

Some of the neighbors who didn't go to 
their "meeting," but went to what they called 
^Uhe church," said the Noahs were ^^ blue'' 

This was true, but it was with Heaven's 
own blue, which does so swell the soul on any 
fair day, when one happens to cast his eyes 
above, and get glimpses of it, maybe through 
the fresh tender leaves of the wood, while the 
melody of sweet singing birds fills the air. 

We must give some anecdotes of the Noahs. 
Japheth, the oldest son, notwithstanding his 
grave expression of countenance, possessed an 



1(> 



ODDS AND ENDS 



overweening love of fun, united to unusual 
simplicity of charafter. When he was a boy, 
he believed every thing that was told him ; 
and this credulity, this honesty of soul some- 
times rendered him a butt for older lads. 

When about six years of 



••cv* 




age, 



he left his home with 



others, one Saturday after- 
noon in early summer, to 
bathe at a beautiful spot 
about two miles distant, 
where a clear stream of fresh 
water wound through green 
meadows, inclosed by soft 
wooded hills. 

That day his father had 
bought him a new, white hat, 
with the promise of a fine 
pocket-knife, if he would 
preserve it in good '^go-to- 
meeting'' order for a certain 
space of time. Japheth said he would ''try.". 
This hat he proudly wore on this occasion. 
On the way thither, a large, rollicking lad ' 
snatched it from his head with the exclamation 



IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

II0WM7'. JVoah looJhed 
ff hen he saw J'a- 
pheih's Wale?'~^roof 
Mat after it went a- 
swimniing , 



U ^ 



di X.^j.^k. 



ODDS AND ENDS, 77 

of ^^ Ho ! Japheth, where did you get so much 
new hat ? " Then looking inside he read in 
large gilt letters, ^^Water-Proof!" '^Ho! 
water-proof, is it!" he continued, ^^Japheth, 
put this hat in the water, it won't hurt it ! " 

The little, simple boy believed him. He 
was at that tender age when he thought that 
the blue hills he saw from his father's home 
bounded the whole world. 

The trusting, simple faith of young souls 
just opening to the impressions of this ex- 
istence is always so beautifully touching that 
the hearts of the good every-where respond 
in sympathy. There never was a thoroughly 
good person that did not love children. 

In full belief that no harm would ensue, 
Japheth soaked the hat in the water, using it 
as freely as if it had been a dipper. Of course, 
it was ruined, ^^an awful objeft" to behold. 
Its flat, stiff\, circular top was changed into 
an irregular hemisphere, while its rim hung 
down limpsy as the ears of a poodle puppy. 
Japheth said he could not forget, if he lived 
to be old as Methuselah, the heart-broken 
expression of his father when he saw that hat 



78 ODDS AND ENDS. 

on his return home on that Saturday evening. 
As a punishment, he was tied to the bed- 
post the next day, while the family were at 
^^ meeting." 

Many years later, one bland, delicious, 
dreamy-like morning in spring, Japheth was 
seated on the rear porch of the old homestead. 
Before him lay the garden and orchard in 
their fresh vegetation, just bursting into life. 
Here and there a bonfire, with its crackling 
flame and ascending smoke, was consuming 
the withered vegetation of the by-gone year, 
while the warm sun, drinking up the rising 
moisture from the earth, gave to the air a pecu- 
liar, tremulous, wavy motion. If one did n't 
know, one might fancy that Nature was "on 
a high'' — had taken "a wee drop too much!" 
It had, but it was, a good temperance bever- 
age — water ! 

Japheth was enjoying the scene to the full, 
when an impending event, casting its shadow 
before, aroused in him the sense of the ludi- 
crous. In great glee, he summoned his 
mother, and the rest of the family, from the 
adjoining room, where they were having a 



ODDS AND ENDS 



79 



pleasant chat around the table, at the close of 
the morning meal, for mirth, even more than 
misery, likes company. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
Mr, JV^oah^s Ztille mishap in the garden. 

Some twenty rods distant, their hired man 
was up in an apple-tree, sawing off a branch, 
while Father Noah was standing on the ground, 
lending his assistance. He had grasped the end 
of it with both hands, and was pulling back 
with the entire weight of his body. The old 
gentleman was attired in slippers, a black 
stove-pipe hat, and a loose, red morning gown. 



8o ODDS AND ENDS. 

The attitude in which he had placed himself 
formed a right-angled triangle, the upright 
being the loose gown as it hung from his 
shoulders, his body the hypotenuse, and the 
ground beneath the base. 

When all had fairly gathered, and were 
looking on in merry suspense, the catastrophe 
came — the sudden breaking of the branch, 
causing a sudden destrudion of the triangle, 
and the prostration of Father Noah flat on 
his back on the Earth. None of the family 
suffered from indigestion on that day. 

A more ludicrous scene occurred to Mother 
Noah. One evening, at a masquerade party, 
she was unexpectedly called to her home, and 
on leaving the ladies' dressing-room, she re- 
solved to slip out unobserved, by a back 
stairway which she supposed led out of doors. 
This was an error, for the door, at its foot, 
opened into the gentlemen's dressing-room; 
and at this identical moment some six or 
eight of them, not in a parlor costume condi- 
tion, were there changing their attire for the 
masquerade. 

Mother Noah had no sooner placed her- 



ODDS AND ENDS, 



8i 



self in position to descend than her feet 
slipped, and she glided down those stairs on 
her back like a heavy plank, struck the door 
with her feet with the force of a battering ram, 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
Mrs, Noah's titite mishap at the Masquerade* 

when it flev/ open with great noise, and she 
slid into the center of the room. The gentle- 
men, in panic at this sudden apparition of an 
immense old lady, fled under and behind the 
bed and in the closet. Hose-covered limbs in 
vanishing movements met her eyes as she thus 

lay flat on her back. It was quite an event, 
6 



82 ODDS AND ENDS. 

We should not relate such trivial incidents 
as these, were it not that any fads, however 
slight, connecfled with the world-wide known 
family who lived in the Ark, through the 
great flood, will always be read with an un- 
wonted relish. Besides, they have a philo- 
sophical use — illustrate the important fad: that 
thousands of years ago people were very much 
as they are now. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 83 



CHAPTER E. 

Which tells of the Jiattering invitation Mrs, Noah receives 
from Mr, Stezuat to go through his dry goods establishment 
by railroad ; also introduces young Harry Wood Beachem, a 
journeyman preacher y and author of Blue-covered Literature. 

WHILE Mrs. Noah was leaving the 
Ark, Aleck Stewat, a young dry goods 
dealer, came aboard and told her he should 
regard it as an honor if she would allow him 
to show her through his establishment and see 
his new styles ; he had some splendid bargains 
in poplins. She would, on entering his door, 
find a train of cars and a locomotive ready, 
and as it was only forty miles around, she 
could soon do it up. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

'* Singing through the forests. 

Rattling over ridges, I 

Shooting under arches. 
Rumbling over bridges ; 



84 



ODDS AND ENDS. 

Whizzing through the mountain. 
Buzzing o'er the vale — 

Bless me! this is pleasant. 
Riding on the rail !" 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Jniernal view of Stewai's Dry Goods Store, Itailroad train 
readjf to take customers around. 

Dry goods had charms, for she was a wo- 
man, and her eyes twinkled under the descrip- 
tions of the smooth-talking trader; but she 
had seen much in the newspapers lately of 



ODDS AND ENDS. 85 

railroad accidents, and was too timid to ven- 
ture. Had she known of the Accidency In- 
surance plan, the United Universe and the 
parts lying adjacent thereunto could not have 
stopped her. Fortunate ignorance for Mr. 
Noah's bank balance! 

When this motherly soul came ashore, it 
was with an eye to population. She carried 
on each arm a new-born infant, and was 
smoking a charcoal pipe. We think this a 
modern invention ; that was proof to the 
contrary, and here is more proof. 

And Carl Rosa flayed upon the violin while 
Madame Parepa chanted: 

** The thing that hath been is. 
And that which shall be. 
And that which is done. 
Is that which shall be done. 
And there is no new thing under the sun." 

No, not even ^'Odds and Ends!" Indeed, 
we have a vague impression that, in a world 
we lived in before we got here, we once made 
a book exadly like this. We repeat, the 
impression is vague; it is so much so that 



86 ODDS AND ENDS. 

we should have conscientious scruples in swear- 
ing to the fad before a court of justice, and 
we hope we shall not be called upon. 

On her arrival on terra firma^ Mrs. Noah 
was met by Harry Wood Beachem, a young 
man, an itinerant ledlurer, and peddler of blue- 
covered literature, which he carried in a knap- 
sack on his back. He was designing to ulti- 
mately enter the ministry, and to furnish the 
means to obtain an education, had written 
and published several novels, which he was 
selling about from house to house. 

His little brochures went by the term of 
Blue-covered Literature, simply because, 
under the guise of fidion, his tales contained 
sermons ingeniously worked in, and in such 
an attradive manner that, when one began to 
read, they went through them attentively from 
the beginning to the end without getting asleep 
over them, as they would have done had the 
preachment been given in the ordinary manner. 

The idea of preaching in a novel shocked 
some delicate sensibilities. A sermon, to be 
to the point, should be divided into a certain 
number of heads, delivered in a regular, sys- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 87 

tematic manner, so that when the tenthly was 
reached, it would have its full somnolent effed. 

Harry Wood Beachem was an universal fa- 
vorite with the old farmers and their families 
throughout the country. In Noah's time, as 
well as in ours, none but persons in the decline 
of life engaged in agriculture; hence the pro- 
priety of the universal expression, ^^ old farm- 
ers." He was so genial, so cheerful, so abound- 
ing in happy views of life, of men and things, 
that his presence shed universal sunshine. He 
thought that religion had been prevented from 
taking its full efFed: because its advocates had 
too generally presented its truths with elongated 
countenances and in wailing tones. As the 
living in conformity with the higher law was 
the greatest of all topics, he felt as though its 
advocacy was thus weakened by its continual 
presentation in lugubrious aspeds. 

His heart was so overflowing with kindly 
feeling that no room was left for enmity. If 
he should, on going through the forests, be 
bitten by a copperhead or any other venomous 
thing, almost his first emotion would be of 
sympathy for his enemy, on the supposition 



aa 



ODDS AND ENDS 



that it had aded under an error in supposing 
that he designed its injury; as an error when 
honestly held is truth to the person or thing 
holding it, he would thus respeft the motive 
and forgive the offender. 

At this time he had been delivering leftures 

to the farmers through- 
out that region, using 
for that purpose the 
distrid: school-houses, 
to which the people re- 
paired evenings, each 
family carrying w^ith 
them one or more dip- 
ped candles to light up 
with. 

There was some talk 
of settling him where 
he had finished his the- 
ological course, over a congregation in that 
vicinity. The old farmers thought they could 
pay him a salary of about three hundred dol- 
lars. This, with an ample supply of potatoes, 
an annual donation visits and abundance of 
swamp oak for fuel, certainly were brilliant 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Marry }f^ood Seachem teciii7 
ing to i?ie old farmers in the 
^^deesiricf school-house. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 89 

inducements for a young man at his start in 
life! 



ODDS AND ENDS. 91 



CHAPTER F. 

Which gives an account of the meeting of young Harry Wood 
Beachem and Jawge H, Pendletum with Mrs, Noah, as 
she came out of the Ark, and the arrival of Wendell Feelups, 
Agagasay, Mr, Van Winkle, Max Marattlexak, and the 
Companies of ''Mutual Friends'' ''Odd Friends,'' "Te 
Gods and Little Fishes," "Uncle Sam's Men," "Te Dick- 
ings Squad," ending with music from the Mewonica, 

SOME natures are so joyous, so exuberant, 
so eleftric with life that this world seems 
to them a Heaven. Health bounds through 
their veins, benevolence expands their hearts, 
and gratitude to the Eternal fills their souls 
for having placed them on this wonderful re- 
volving ball, that guided by his mysterious 
power goes whirling through the infinite re- 
gions of space in majestic grandeur and sub- 
limity. 

Even the smallest things minister to their 
sense of the beautiful. A ray of sunlight falls 



92 ODDS AND ENDS. 

through the half-closed shutter, and the motes 
of floating dust are lit up in specks of glitter- 
ing gold, and they are pleased. 

Cultivating this sense, they find more and 
more to observe and enjoy, so that, as life 
advances, the fountain of delights continually 
expands, its waters become purer and deeper, 
and give more and more exquisite refleftions 
of sky, mountain, foliage, and flowers. Why 
should they not love the world ? It is their 
Maker's creature ! 

Sometimes people of this disposition be- 
come so exhilarated with joy, that they scarcely 
can contain themselves within those bounds 
of dignity becoming a race so wise, so won- 
derful as us human beings. With an irresist- 
ible desire to give vent to their exuberance 
they run! they jump! they shout! they laugh! 
they turn somersets, and roll in the grass like 
young colts let loose in green pastures. 

Staid people — especially if their digestive 
apparatus is disordered — look on, and are 
shocked. Raising their hands in astonishment, 
they exclaim, ^' Why ! they are beside them- 
selves ! " So far from this being true they are 



ODDS AND ENDS. 93 

simply themselves alone ading out their na- 
tures; and if they didn't draw the cork occa- 
sionally, and effervesce, would suffer from 
internal fermentation, although they might 
gain in external consideration. 

Why such queer folks were ever created is 
an enigma that puzzles our philosophy to 
solve: but being once made, we can not much 
blame them for wanting to continue to live : 
and from motives of humanity we should allow 
them. to do so. Still, we do honestly think it 
would be a public benefit, if they could be 
strangled at birth. It is too serious a world 
to have such goings on permitted ! 

Young Harry Wood Beachem was so happy, 
so overflowing with life, that it injured his 
influence as a preacher, especially with that 
serious-minded class, described so fully in the 
ajd chapter of Matthew. 

On the morning he met Mrs. Noah coming 
out of the Ark, he had been walking through 
the woods, and beside the little, clear, babbling 
brooks, and was so exhilarated by the influ- 
ences of Nature in her smiling mood, that he 
could n't well restrain himself from doing 



94 



ODDS AND ENDS 



something ridiculous. Besides he had a keen 
appetite, and wanted his breakfast. 

Giving the old lady a hearty slap between 
the shoulders, he inquired if she had any good 
home-made mince pie aboard, and some old 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

vlfrs, J\'*oah reads y while ITar^y H'ood ^eac/iem and J'an'ge jET* 
l^endtetuTn coddie the infants. 



Goshen cheese; he wanted a snack, was almost 
starved, and while she was about it he should n't 
obje^ to her drawing him a mug of cider to 
wash it down. She resented his mistaken fa- 
miliarity in a dudgeon that was not so high, 
but that he appeased her by a present of a 



ODDS AND ENDS. 95 

beautiful bouquet of freshly-plucked wild 
flowers, and a copy of his last issue : " Low 
Wood, or Rural Life in Bramble Land.*' 
Upon this Jawge H. Pendletum gave her an 
illustrated copy of his celebrated oration, 
^^The Farmer Republic.'' Delighted with 
these attentions she passed to each of those 
gentlemen an infant, and they proceeded to 
coddle, while she proceeded to read. 

And Carl Rosa -played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

** Rock a bye, baby. 
On the tree top. 
When the wind blows. 
The cradle will rock." 

Mrs. Noah gave little low grunts of pleas- 
ure as she perused. Pausing for a moment 
to signify her appreciating sense of their ge- 
nius, she took from a basket a snow-white 
napkin, unrolled it, and gave therefrom to 
each a freshly boiled doughnut, and a cold 
sausage. As for those doughnuts, the good 
old lady made them herself, and they were 
''just right." The sausages, too, were home- 



96 ODDS AND ENDS. 

made, and could be eaten with that simple, 
trusting confidence, always so beautiful to 
behold. 

Mr. Noah raised his own pork, and nobody 
else's. He had a neat inclosure at the end of 
his garden, where he boarded two or three in- 
telligent creatures. It was his custom when 
he came home to his own dinner, to go out 
and first give them theirs. They knew his 
footsteps, and always greeted his coming with 
joyous demonstrations. Many a nice, tender, 
succulent ear of corn, plucked fresh on the 
spot, was received at his hands, and eaten with 
the relish of full health and a sound digestion. 
Then the old gentleman, who had a sort of 
weakness in wishing to make every thing about 
him happy, often took a chip, and rubbed their 
backs until they laid down and uttered in 
little short puffs, notes of joy, as though they 
were in Elysium. 

" Where ignorance is bliss, 
'T is folly to be wise," 

is an applying quotation you may have seen 
before ! If so, it won't hurt you to see it 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



97 




once more before you die. And the blissful 
ignorance of Father Noah's boarders consisted 
in the fad that they knew nothing of the frosts 

of November, that 
season termed "kill- 
ing time," when the 
departure of the 
spirits of piggies to 
that land where the 
spirits of piggies go, 
finds a requiem in 
falling leaves, and 
wailing winds, and 
somber skies. 
When Mother Noah so kindly extended 
her hospitality to those gentlemen, the infants 
had their eyes open. They started up at 
once and made a grab for the cakes. The re- 
sult was uncertain, when a hyena-like yell an- 
nounced the arrival of, who do you think ? 
Nobody else but Wendell Feelups, and all 
there was of him had come — nothing was left 
behind ! 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin y while 
Madame Parepa sang : 
7 



IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

F'ather JV*oah's hoarder* receivinff 

at his kands benevolent nthiis- 

irations. 



98 ODDS AND ENDS. 

**Come, little boy Blue, 

And blow up your horn ; 
The sheep 's in the meadow. 
The cow's in the corn!" 

Mounting a stump, Wendell entered upon 
a general cussing. He cussed the Earth — 
cussed the Heavens above the Earth — cussed 
the Waters under the Earth — cussed all that 
therein was, that walked, or flew, or swam — 
cussed all that therein was, that did n't walk, 
nor fly, nor swim — cussed the Past, the Pres- 
ent, and the Future — cussed what never was, 
what was not, and what never would be. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

" There was a man in our town. 
And he was wondrous wise ; " 
Said 't was so : — knew it all. 
And could n*t but advise ! 

Wendell was proceeding to cuss some other 
things, when a sharp blow was given by a ham- 
mer in the hands of Agagasay, a geological 
personage, on Plymouth Rock. The Earth 
quaked, the rock split, a cloud of vapor issued 



ODDS AND ENDS 



99 




therefrom, when, lo ! out from its midst arose 
an ancient man, with a long, white beard, 

reaching to his knees, 
bearing a rusty gun, 
and a dog as old and 
queer-looking as 
himself, by his side. 
He was a pre-Adam- 
ite — had been buried 
a million of years. 

The people gath- 
ered around and in- 
quired, ^^Who are 

Affas^asayhavin^^s^^^^^^ ^ >» f^^ mlldlv 

moui/i 2C0CA: with his hammer^ -^ J 

replied in a voice, 
tremulous with cen- 
turies, that he was 
a Van Winkle. The historians had erred in 
giving only the initial letter of his first name 
for his full name. The alphabet of the pre- 
Adamites had thirty letters, the last of which 
was the letter referred to — the letter RIP ! 

He thereupon handed out a card with his 
name engraved in full. To save a perpetua- 
tion of the error, we present a fac-simile. We 

Utfa 



IMAGINARY PICTURE. 



Mr, Tan WtnAU and his dog 
appears. He has been buried a 
miih'o?i of J' ears. 



lOO 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



hope posterity will be grateful to us. Our 



RIPSTIWIZEN VAN WINKLE, Esq^. 



HIS CARD. 



modest ambition is filled by association with 
memorable things. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

Some by their own light 

Like punk do shine. 
While I, poor soul. 

Must borrow mine. 



The Wood Beachem took notes of these 
revelations, for a literary projeft, when the 
strains of strange music turned all eyes, and 
stretched all necks to discover its source, as 
over the hill came dashing an enormous men- 
agerie-like wagon, drawn by twelve white 
horses, and Max Marattlezak driving. 
With a crack of his whip, he circled into their 



ODDS AND ENDS. lOI 

midst, and then pulling back tautly on the 
lines, hallo'd ''fVhoa!'' 

Following Max was a procession on foot in 
two's, with linked arms. Each as they passed 
dropped their cards into the outspread apron 
of Mrs. Noah. All smiles at their attention, 
she exclaimed, ^^ Gentlemen, I'm happy to see 
you. You will ever find my latch-string ex^ 
ternally pendant." 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violwy while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

YANKEE HOSPITALITY. 



Betty, run to the door. 

Show "them" people in! 
Set chairs, sweep the hearth. 

Make things neat as a pin. 

Oh, *t is you ! so glad you Ve come ! 

How's Aunt Keziah and Cousin Liz, 
And baby, and all the folks "to hum,**. 

And how 's Grandpa's rheumatiz ? 

Betty, run, and some cider draw. 

Bring pie and cheese from off the rack ! 

Pray, move up, friends, and take a bite. 
And refresh with a little snack ! 






I02 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



The first couple were Admiral Sammies and 
Gideon Wulles. The Admiral had come to 
open a shop for the sale of woman's duds, 
the captured clothing of the wives of officers 
of merchant vessels — fruits of his prowess on 
the high seas ; the respedable Grandmamma 
to make new studies in naval architedure from 
Mr. Noah's model. 

Succeeding these, arm in arm, talking lov- 
ingly together, and bearing knapsacks with the 
words as below given, were 

Fitz John Purter & 
John Popa. 

Jerry Darkname & 
Thaddeus Stingem. 

Parson Brownhigh 
& General Lea. 

Oliver Merton & 
Beriah Magorem. 



1ST CoMp'y. 


MUTUAL 


FRIENDS. 



Fernandy Would & Hunnycut. 
Henry Clay Deam & Dick Yites. 
Commodore Vanderconstrud & Ledger 
Bonny. 

Thurlow Badplant & Horace Agreele. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



103 



Ralph Waldo Emmerem & James Gordon 
Bennem. 

Brick Pummice & Oliver Wendell Humes. 

Sootant D. Booregard & John Foreneigh. 

George B. Macklenum & Hannibell Ham- 
Ian. 

Mayor Moonrow & John C. Freehighhill. 

Goruner Seymuch & Secretary Stunem. 

Mylord Feelmore & Wm. Floyd Garri- 
some. 

Theodore Tellem & Wm. Gilmore Sam- 



mies, 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
Perspective view of ihe Grand Procession » 

Next succeeded an extraordinary body of 
individuals, mostly in twos, not with linked 
arms, but arranged opposite each other, pull- 



I04 



ODDS AND ENDS 



2D C 



OMP Y. 



ing by a drag rope a huge grindstone mounted 
on wheels. They also bore knapsacks lettered 
as here shown. Attired in the costumes of 
their respeftive times, stations, and nationali- 
ties, they might, without an unpardonable ex- 
aggeration, be termed a somewhat mixed as- 
semblage. 

They were in the 
order here given; the 
first named in each 
couplet having hold 
of the rope by the 
right hand, the last 
named by the left 
hand. 

Sancho Panza & 
^ Benedid Arnold were 

the leading couplet. 

Then came Peter the Hermit & Jack the 
Giant Killer. 

Frederick the Great & Dandy Jim of Car- 
oline. 

Brigham Young & the Wandering Jew. 
Richard the Third & the Owner of the 
Race-horse Eclipse. 



ODD 
FRIENDS 



ODDS AND ENDS. 105 

The Man with the Iron Mask & Fanny 
Ellsler. 

Blue Beard & Madame Celeste. 

Parson Weems & the Author of The Devil 
on Two Sticks. 

Jack Falstaff & Socrates. 

Monsieur Tonson & Thaddeus of Warsaw. 

Petroleum Nasby & Confucius. 

Daniel Lambert & Tom Thumb 

William the Silent & the Youth Chatterton. 

Caesar the Great & Lord Timothy Dexter, 
with his '^Pickle for the Knowing Ones.'* 

Peeping Tom of Coventry & the Man with 
the Claret-colored Coat. 

Ossian, son of Fingal, & Jim Crow. 

Joice Heth & Author of Les Miserables. 

Cotton Mather & the Witches in Macbeth. 

Peter the Great & the Man who struck Billy 
Patterson. 

Beau Brummel & Santa Anna. 

Shade of Jo Smith & Deacon Pogram. 

Don Quixote & Mother Goose. 

Author of the Sorrows of Werter & Pere- 
grini Pickle. 

Davy Crockett & Robinson Crusoe. 



lo6 ODDS AND ENDS. 

And numerous others ; among whom were 
the Man in the Moon and his wife, and some 
people from the Land of Nod. 

Commanding this Company of Odd Friends, 
was the ever-efflorescent, juvenescent Jeems 
Bukanning, of Old Rye Land. His costume 
was that of the Continentals of the American 
Revolution, with shad-bellied blue coat and 
buckskin breeches. Instead of a cocked hat, 
however, he wore a conical cap of red leather, 
twenty inches in height, and surmounted by a 
yellow, waving plume. In place of a sword, 
he bore a huge, long-handled tomahawk. He 
had on a pair of green goggles, fastened back 
of his head by a chain and padlock. Peter 
the Hermit was custodian of the key. 

Jeems strutted at the head of his company, 
lifting up each knee alternately to the level 
of his thigh as he marched, and bringing down 
each foot regularly with strongly pronounced 
emphasis to the tap of a drum, while his lofty 
plume waved like a shaking mandarin. 

Immediately behind Jeems, between him 
and what might be termed his drag-oons^ was 
a platoon of She-caw-geese. They were also 



ODDS AND ENDS. 107 

attired in the old Continental style, excepting 
their caps were green, ^^//^^;^-shaped, and 
crowned by a tuft of crowds feathers. Instead 
of knapsacks, each had strapped and hanging 
on his back three or four immense bladders, 
filled with water. This platoon were known 
as the Bladderniers. They marched in a 
line with linked arms, and with the same 
style of leg movement as their commander; 
but, instead of strutting back as he did, they 
leaned forward, with their heads down — a ne- 
cessity of their burdens. Thus it will be seen 
that the corps, as a whole, when on the march, 
was a fair specimen of the pi6luresque grotesque. 

Occasionally Jeems halted his company and 
formed them in a hollow square, facing inward, 
with himself, grindstone, and Bladderniers in 
the center, when he turned to and sharpened 
his tomahawk, for it being the only weapon 
of war in the corps, he felt keenly the im- 
portance of always having it ready in good 
fighting condition. 

On these occasions the Bladderniers stood 
in line and squirted on the water, while Peep- 
ing Tom of Coventry, Ossian, Son of Fingal, 



io8 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



the Man who struck Billy Patterson, and Fred- 
erick the Great spelled each other in turning 
the crank. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Jeems 15ukan7ihig y of Otd l^ye Zandj s/ictrpeninff his toma^ 

hawk,. J3[e is si7iginff the ^^ So7iff of the Grindstone/^ in 

which he is joined in a chorus by his entire corps 

of Odd Friends, 

When Jeems was sharpening his instrument 
he always was happy. He generally sang the 
Song of the Grindstone, in which he was 
joined in a chorus by his entire corps, the 
witches in Macbeth and Joice Heath taking the 
high soprano, while Madame Celeste, Fanny 
EUsler, Confucius, and Monsieur Tonson 
danced a quadrille. 

A third company, which succeeded, was 
entirely composed of '^Nobodies," so they 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



109 



mostly assumed the garbs of transcendentals, 
being attired as gods and goddesses. All the 
prominent charafters 
in Heathen Mythol- 
ogy were personified, 
with an intermixture 
of Satyrs, Fawns, etc. 

The rear of this 
corps consisted of 
very small people, 
probably children. 
They were disguised 
as fishes, which appar- 
ently walked on their tails ! They also had 
their designating knapsacks. 

Uncle Sam's Men 



3D Comp'y. 


YE 


GODS 


AND 


LITTLE FISHES. 



followed close after. 
This corps was com- 
posed of the American 
Congress, and the offi- 
cers, sailors, soldiers, 
and marines of the 
Expedition to Alaska. 

At their head was Chief Justice S. P. Runafter, 
who bore a sort of sign-board on a pole. 



4TH CoMp'y. 
UNCLE SAM'S 

MEN. 



no 



ODDS AND ENDS 



with the words, ^^Andy Jinsin — Impeach- 
ment!'' 



ANDY JINSIN 

IMPEACHMENT! 



Beside these were many hundred others, 
including largely of females from Washington 
and Baltimore. It was estimated one thou- 
sand persons were on the ground. 

Charles Dickens 
brought up the rear 
with his squad, who 
also bore their desig- 
nating knapsacks. He 
had his screen along, 
and expeded to read. 
It was pidured in tap- 
estry, with the Amer- 
ican eagle on its nest. The bird had not 
hatched much as yet, but was hard at it ; 
looked wise, and promised big things. 

His squad was composed of his agent 



YE 



DICKENS 



SQUAD 



ODDS AND ENDS 



III 



Dawlbee, David Copperfield, Oliver Twist, 
Captain Cuttle, and Bunsby, who had ready 
^^an opinion that was an opinion;" also one 
Nicholas Nickleby, who had been supercargo 
for Captain Cook in his voyage around the 
world, and a few others. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Max Marattlezak operating upon his new musicat instrument, 
the **M^ewonica,'^ 

These various corps had standards lettered 
like their knapsacks, with artistic devices, and 
in brilliant colors. 

The procession halted and formed a ring 



112 ODDS AND ENDS. 

around Max Marattlezak, who explained the 
new musical instrument he had with him, the 
*^ Mewonica." Sixteen cats — eight Thomas 
and eight Sally cats — were seledled with refer- 
ence to their vocal qualities when combined 
in a choir, and placed in a long box with par- 
titions for each, with holes in front for their 
heads to projeft, and others in the rear through 
which hung their ^^ handles," as they were tech- 
nically termed. 

The instrument was operated upon by 
squeezing their handles in milk-maid fashion. 
To tune it up for a performance was a nice 
operation, and for which purpose a young Pole 
of great power of grip and a musical ear of 
unusual delicacy was employed. 

By an ingenious contrivance, neither the 
heads nor the ^^ handles" of the musicians 
could be withdrawn at option, nor could any 
of the sixteen be excused on a plea of colds 
from a concert until after the reserved seats 
had been taken and a full house secured. 

To appreciate this music, required an ear 
cultivated to a higher degree than ordinary. 
When a community had once been educated 



ODDS AND ENDS. 1 13 

up to the standard, no melody was like it. 
In consequence of so many unappreciating 
persons leaving in the midst of the concerts. 
Max had to abate the disturbing nuisance by 
the issue, at double price, of ^^ exit tickets." 

The Mewonica had a decided advantage over 
the opera. The latter illustrates by its music 
but one tale; the Mewonica the burden of 
many. 

Max squoze out for them a few of his choice 
tunes. They were delighted. Andy Jinsin 
suggested it as a remedial agent for the Gov- 
ernment Hospitals ; it would have a soothing 
efFed upon the ^^Constitution." 

Jawge H. Pendletum and Valhanghim at 
once engaged the Mewonica for the fall cam- 
paign of the Unterrified and Screeching. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

"Oh! potatoes they are small. 
Over there ! over there ! 
*Cause they plants 'em in the fall. 

Over there ! over there ! 
And eats 'em, tops and all. 
Over there ! over there ! " 

8 



ODDS AND ENDS. I15 



CHAPTER G. 

IVbich shows the people had '^ a good time ;^* describes the race 
around the Base Ball circle between Andy Jinsin and Jeems 
Bukanning of Old Rye Land, with the catastrophe to Andy, 
and his deliverance by a Greek philosopher ; the Grand Din- 
ner, at which Andy runs the bee-line of the table, \oo feet 
long, to embrace General Grent, at the other end, when he 
falls dead, and is brought to life after revolving many cir- 
cles, by the Awful Unknown, with his mysterious serpent wand, 

IT was a gala day, and so the folks went in 
for a good time. Pitching quoits, shoot- 
ing turkies as a mark, crossing a field blind- 
fold, "innocent" games of cards under the 
trees, martelle, croquet, ten-pins, and base 
ball were in aftive operation. Knots of mere 
talkers were seen here and there : some men 
talked dollars ; some women dress — none scan- 
dal ! Bursts of laughter now and then arose 
as some wag got off a funny thing. It was 
observed the most boisterous groups consisted 



Il6 ODDS AND ENDS. 

of only men. These were generally gathered 
around some venerable old gentlemen with a 
Saturnine visage. And if, perchance, any in- 
quisitive female, allured by their merriment, 
approached within ear-shot of such, a Sabbath- 
like silence at once ensued — a phenomena 
that was inexplicable. 

The members of the Companies of Odd 
Friends, Ye Gods and Little Fishes, scattered 
here and there in the crowd, gave a rather 
eccentric appearance to things. The day was 
quite warm, so the Bladderniers made them- 
selves useful with their novel, well-filled can- 
teens, and won golden opinions for their ami- 
able, obliging dispositions. 

At the termination of an exciting game of 
base ball, a foot race ensued around the course, 
which attraded every body from the esteem in 
which the participants were held. These were 
Jeems Bukanning and Andy Jinsin. Jeems 
took the lead, when Andy, who had stiffly 
crooked his elbow, illustrated how wine works 
wonders, for he passed him at the second base, 
and had nearly arrived at the home base, when 
trouble ensued, and what never occurred be- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



117 



fore, a woman was at the bottom of it. Sec- 
retary Stunem was at the outer edge, near the 
end of the line, when happening to turn for 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Jeems T^ukafuiinff and Andy J}'ns/n run a foot race on the 
base ball circle, 

some purpose, he espied a lady acquaintance 
in the crowd, whom he had not before seen. 
With gentlemanly instind, he tipped his hat, 
and undulated into the curve of courtesy and 
recognition. His person was thus partially 
catapulted within the circle, just as Andy came 
up. So unexpefted was it, that Andy ran full 
tilt against the Honorable Mr. Stunem, re- 



Il8 ODDS AND ENDS. 

ceived a dreadful blow in the stomach, which 
instantly doubled him up, and he fell with a 
heavy ugh! 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

''There was an old chap 
In the West Countre'e, 
A flaw in his lease. 

The lawyers had found.'* 

As Andy fell, Jeems came up blowing and 
puffing, his face scarlet as a beet, passed the 
prostrate man, and with two terrific leaps, 
considering his gout, completed the circle 
amid cheers. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

'*It was all about felling 
Of 5 oak trees. 
And building a house 
Upon his own ground." 

When Andy, gathering himself up, with his 
hands upon his bowels, moved slowly off, 
gnashing his teeth, and howling with pain and 
rage. He had scarcely got sixty yards, when. 



ODDS AND ENDS 



1 1 



without any perceptible cause, he again fell, 
and with another heavy ugh! As he dropped, 
a sudden darkness came over the landscape, 
black as when night and the storm fiends are 
abroad. The multitude were appalled, and 
not a sound was heard, except an occasional 
groan from Andy, 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Dioffeiies hi, search of an honest man, by the aid of hi4 tanlcf'n 
finds him in the prostrate oindjy. 



Finally, a solitary and distant light appeared, 
as if in the heavens. It moved slowly in a 
winding form, as if borne by some being. It 



I20 ODDS AND ENDS. 

was, and he was simply descending a mountain, 
and approaching them. Nearer and nearer 
came the light, until they descried a tall, ven- 
erable personage, with a lofty, intelledlual ex- 
pression, and clothed in white, in the garb of 
an ancient Greek philosopher. He passed 
through the crowd v/ith the air of one in search 
for something. On reaching the prostrate 
Andy, he cast the light of his lantern full upon 
the face of him we love so well; upon which 
he started back and raised his arms in joy! 
Then holding out his light at arms length, 
he slowly revolved on his heels, until he had 
described seven distinft circles. As he com- 
pleted each, he called out in deep, sepulchral 
tones, ETPHKA! which was all Greek to 
the multitude. On completing the seventh 
circle his light instantly expired. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

DIOGENES his Lantern 

Needs no more. 
An HONEST MAN is found, 

The search is o^er. 

In a twinkling, after the light of Diogenes* 



ODDS AND ENDS. I2I 

lantern expired, the darkness began to dissi- 
pate. A rooster, on top of a neighboring well- 
sweep, gave a lusty '^cock-a-doo-dle-doo ;" it 
was echoed by another a quarter of a mile 
away; and then at varying distances by numer- 
ous others, when came full daylight and hap- 
piness : but vanished was the philosopher and 
his lantern, and no one knew when, how, or 
where ! Not so Andy. He was descried in 
full vigor and usefulness in a grove near by, 
walking arm in arm with the estimable Mrs. 
Chubb. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

'^ Love is a fire 

That burns and sparkles, 
As nat'rally in men 
As in charcoals.'* 

We said the word Diogenes shouted was 
all Greek to the multitude. To this we must 
except the renowned Socrates. To him it 
was nothing! The poor old gentleman was 
greatly fatigued with the excitement of the 
day: so when the darkness came on, his chin 
suddenly dropped, and he was off to the land 



122 ODDS AND ENDS. 

of the Nod'ditSy where he dreamed he was 
walking in a grove of hemlocks^ listening to the 
soughing of the wind through the branches, 
and meditating upon the vanities of this trans- 
itory existence. On awaking, he learned of 
the unexpeded visit of his old townsman, and 
it required all his philosophy to choke down 
his chagrin at losing the chance of meeting 
with him. He thought he should try and 
keep awake the next time. He said he was 
particularly anxious to ascertain the name of 
the cooper who made that tub Diogenes lived 
in : he understood it was a remarkably fine 
piece of workmanship ! 

Succeeding this were a series of dances, co- 
tillons, contra-dances, Scotch reels, Irish jigs, 
and the German, winding up with a grand 
dinner on the green sward, Theodore Tellem 
going among the people ringing a bell and cry- 
ing^ ^'COME TO YOUR FEEDING ! CoME TO 

YOUR Feeding !" 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

" Toll ! Roland toll 
In old St. Bavon's tower," 



ODDS AND ENDS. 123 

Which so evidently annoyed Theodore, as if 
he regarded singing his poetry a personal 
affront, that the words were changed, but not 
the tune. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

'* Little Jack Horner 
Sat in the corner. 

Eating Christmas pie ;" 
When puss bounced in. 
And took him down. 

And he began to CRY ! 

On hearing which, Theodore only jingled the 
louder and cried the more. Then they consid- 
erately changed both words and tune. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

"John, John, the Piper's son. 
Stole a pig and away he run ; 
John was beat and the pig was eat. 
And John ran BAWLING down the street." 

This was too hard on Theodore. At once, 
as if stung on the hand by a bumble-bee, he 
gave his bell a cl)uck so high in air that it was 
said never to have come down again, but to 



124 ODDS AND ENDS. 

have gone ringing among the stars! The 
little fellow then ran and hid behind a leafless 
mullen stalk until the laugh was over. While 
there, he wrote a sonorous leader for the Inde- 
pendent; subject, Joys of Andy! 

A single table, four hundred feet long, was 
spread with good things prepared by cooks 
sent from a reputable source. At this all sat, 
when the feast of reason and the flow of wine 
prevailed, and every thing went as merry as 
Independence Day, amid the musketry of 
corks, the letting off of speeches, with toasts, 
songs, and clouds of cigar smoke. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 



** Fill the bumper fair. 

Every drop we sprinkle 
O'er the brow of Care, 
Smooths away a wrinkle." 



Andy Jinsin and General Grent occupied 
respedlively the two heads of the table. Near 
the close, Ulysses mounted his end, and with 
the aside, "We'll fight it out on this line," 
lifted his glass for a toast. The table rose 



ODDS AND ENDS. 125 

as one, and held aloft theirs also, when the 
General exclaimed, in commanding tones: 

^^ Here's to the Great Accidentosity T' 

And the multitude repeated, as the voice 
of many waters mingled with much wine: 

^'THE GREAT ACCIDENTOSITY! " 

So the toast was drank, and with a flourish 
of music from the Mewonica and the brass 
band from Alaska, joined to a three times 
three, four times repeated, ending with a brace 
of terrific tigers and a single wild-cat. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

*' Crambambulee — it is the title 

Of that good drink we love the best. 

It is the means that prove most vital 
When evil fortunes us molest ; 

At evening light and morning free, 

I take my glass Cram-bam-bu-lee — 

Cram Bam Bam Bam BuleeJ*^ 

'^Encore!" '^Encore!" burst on all sides, 
and in the center, and from the top and bottom. 
The cock on the well-sweep echoed in another 
cock-a-doo-dle-doo ! in which he was joined 



126 



ODDS AND ENDS 



by all his neighbors, at their respedive vary- 
ing distances. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sa?ig : 

" Lives of GREAT MEN all remind us. 
We can make our lives SUBLIME, 
And, departing, leave behind us 
Footprints in the sands of time." 

Andy was overcome by this enthusiastic 
ovation. He not only had sprinkled, but 
washed the brow of Care in a deluge of 
bumpers. His heart warmed in ecstasy to- 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

^ndy rung the bee-tine of the tahte to embrace Utysses at the 
other end, four hundred feet an>ajy, knockinff over the 
dishes^ and amid cheers ^ cries^ and cat-catts, 

ward General Grent for this unexpedled honor. 
He prepared to rush and hug Ulysses to his 
bosom. Springing on to the table, he spread 



ODDS AND ENDS. 127 

out his arms ready for the fraternal embrace, 
and started at the top of his speed for the 
other end, four hundred feet distant, knocking 
over, plowing through, scattering and spilling 
in his race, to the right and to the left, before 
and behind, boned turkeys, cold ham, sand- 
wiches, jellies, cakes, oyster soups, gravies, 
pickles, champagne bottles, liquids, tumblers, 
and dishes of all sorts. And as he ran, the 
multitude, wild with excitement, cheered him 
on: 

"Go IT, Andy!" 

^'No CIRCLE this time!'* 

^^It's a BEE-LINE, Andy!" 

"Constitution's coming up, Andy!" 

All this amid cries, and groans, and cat- 
calls, with flourishes of music from the brass 
band and the Mewonica. 

On reaching General Grent, Andy clasped 
him in his arms in frantic enthusiasm ; in a 
second he had recoiled, shocked as if he had 
embraced a galvanic battery. For a moment 
he stood upright ; his arms raised aloft ; head 
thrown back ; eyes, rolled above, hidden under 
the upper lids ; a deathly pallor overspread his 



128 ODDS AND ENDS. 

countenance, when a few convulsive tremors 
succeeded, and then he fell backward at full 
length, crashing upon the table, his body 
resting upon the debris of the feast, the head 
itself in a demolished pyramid of ice-cream. 
And Carl Rosa flayed upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

''He jumped into a bramble-bush. 
And scratched out both his eyes; 

And when he saw his eyes were out," 
With all his fuss and strain. 

Could never GRAB another bush. 
To scratch 'em in again. 

The people were at once sobered by this 
result, so unexpedled and so calamitous. 
Andy's usefulness was at an end. He was 
dead, dead, dead as a duck I 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

" Stand by your glasses, men, steady ! 
Here 's to the health of the dead already. 
And hurra for the next that dies ! " 

But no one felt like drinking any more. 
No one felt like giving a hurra. Death had 



ODDS AND ENDS. 129 

been among them and taken their shining 
mark. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

" Old Grimes is dead, that good old man. 
We ne'er shall see him more ; 
He used to wear an old blue coat 
All buttoned down before." 

As these strains died away, one universal 
wail ascended in unison with dirge-like strains 
from the brass band, blowing wind instruments, 
and caterwaulings from the Mewonica. 

Some of the wail must have penetrated below, 
for at once the air was filled with a suffocating 
sulphureous odor, so that every person, except- 
ing General Grent and Secretary Sewap, num- 
bering one thousand, gentlemen and ladies, 
simultaneously, as if by military drill, raised 
their hands to their noses, seized and squoze 
that member, holding it, as it were, in a vise 
during the ensuing scenes. Ulysses, by blow- 
ing on a tin whistle^ summoned the corporal 
of the guard, so the corporal had double duty 
to perform — to hold his own nose and that 

9 



130 ODDS AND ENDS. 

of the General. The venerable Secretary, 
Mr. Sewap, improvised a tight-squeezing 
nose-holder in the claw of a boiled lobster. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

*'Nose! nose! what gave thee 
That jolly red nose ? 
Brandy, champagne, and peppermint 
Gave me this jolly red nose." 

The moment the word ^^nose" died away 
in the refrain, cold chills ran through the as- 
semblage at the sudden apparition of a mys- 
terious, unearthly-looking personage, of gigan- 
tic stature, by the side of the deceased. 

He was enveloped in a long black gown, 
like that of a friar, with its cowl thrown over 
his head, with two lofty horn-like projections. 
His face was of a coppery hue, hard as that 
of a mask. His nose was hawked, immense, 
and thin; eye-brows black, heavy, and arching 
toward the angles of the forehead; his teeth, 
like fangs, were fully disclosed by a sardonic 
grin from a mouth that seemed as a yawning 
sepulcher; jet-black eyes, with pupils gleam- 



ODDS AND ENDS 



131 



ing as round shots of fire, finishes this pretty 
portrait. 

Take him all in all, he was a person that 
would have attraded attention on Broadway 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

T?ie 7ieH' manuat moremeni to the nose, Generat Grent, by 

btowhiff 071 a ihi whistle^ summoned i/ie co7'pora2 of ihe guards 

who thus had douhie dtiiy io perfo7'm—to hotd his own note 

and thai of the Generate white S€C7'etary Sewap imprO' 

vised a iight-squeezi7ig 7iose-ho2der in the claw of 

a boiled lobster, 

on any sunny afternoon, and had ample room^ 
for a promenade. If such an event should 



132 ODDS AND ENDS. 

happen, they would feel themselves slighted 
down there if he did not finally bring up at 
the Herald office ! 

His movements were noiseless as a shadow, 
when, from beneath his cloak, he drew a long 
wand, around which was writhing a large, pow- 
erful snake, its head oscillating to and fro at 
its farther end, when he began the resuscitation 
of Andy. As the Unknown mounted the 
table. General Grent, without any visible re- 
luftance, moved out of his way. 

Standing up over the dead, he placed the 
end of his wand to each ear, when the serpent 
inserted his forked tongue into those orifices 
and hissed, which Jerry Darkname said seemed 
to have a reviving influence. The noise was 
as the escape of vapor from the steam-valve. 
Then he placed the wand at the crown of 
Andy's head, and moved it around in a circle, 
his body following it, and revolving on its 
center as the needle of the compass revolves 
on its pivot to a magnet held by a moving 
hand. 

Thus his body swung around, eflTedually 
cleaning the table within the circumference. 



ODDS AND ENDS 



^33 



Gradually the Unknown increased the speed, 
until it whirled so rapidly, circle after circle, 
that his person seemed but the buzzing wheel 
of some machine in rapid motion. The gy- 
ration having reached its acme, it as gradually 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

27ie siwfut Unknown siandtngr over the dead ^ndy; brinfft him 
to tife by his mysterious incantations with his serpent wand, 

declined, and finally ceased. Then, with a 
sudden raising of the wand aloft, up came 
Andy. Not so the snake ; for at the same 
instant he dropped off dead. The life that 



134 ODDS AND ENDS. 

had been in him had gone into Andy. The 
life still existed, but not in a snake's body. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

Hit him hard. 

For he has no friends 
In the place above. 

Nor in that beneath; 
Smite him on the right. 

And smite him on the left. 
Then drop in a settler. 

By way of cap-sheaf. 

When Andy thus arose to his feet, he was 
restored to his normal condition. His back, 
however, appeared shocking, from the puddle 
of liquors and viduals in which he had lain 
and revolved. 

Andy rubbed his eyes, and then looked full 
upon his unexpetled restorer, when his face at 
once relapsed into an expression of recognition. 
It was evidently an old acquaintance. Myste- 
rious signs passed between them, ending by 
the Unknown pointing downward with his 
wand, as if he expeded him finally to go below 
and partake of his permanent hospitality. At 



ODDS AND ENDS. 135 

this Andy shrugged, sniveled, and looked 
sheepish, while the horrible grin upon the 
other only widened, as with an exultant air he 
made a low bow, turned and stalked in silence 
away, quickly disappearing in a ravine. 

As he moved oiF, something beneath his 
long, trailing gown behind wagged to and fro, 
what no one seemed anxious to follow and lift 
up that garment to ascertain. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violwy while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

** At break of day, 

A-walking the Devil has gone. 
To visit his snug farm the Earth, 
And see how his stock goes on. 

*' And o'er the hill. 

And o'er the dale. 
The Devil w^alked. 

And switched his long tail. 
As a gentleman switches his cane." 

Now he was gone, the air became pure, and 
all could breathe free again. The multitude 
dropped arms, ceasing the new manual move- 
ment to the nose. General Grent dismissed 



136 ODDS AND ENDS. 

the corporal of the guard, while Mr. Sewap 
removed his lobster ornament. His nasal 
organ, for a month after, had a pinched ex- 
pression, finally removed only by frequent 
and powerful drafts upon his snuff-box. 

We omitted to mention that the Unknown 
picked up the snake and carried it off in his 
bosom. Jerry Darkname thought it showed 
signs of life. Perhaps it did. The animal 
had clearly been dead, but it is probable that 
the original life which had been Andy's was 
then going into the serpent. If so, then, 
when it had all fully got there, its character 
would change into that harmless kind, called 
by little children "a good snake." 



ODDS AND ENDS. 137 



CHAPTER H. 

In which Mr, Dickens reclines under a lofty sugar-maple, where 
he is visited by birds, and sings an impromptu song, ^^The 
Lassie Music ; " is joined by little Oliver Twist, with two 
puppies, and plays with them ; finally is captured by Mrs. 
Grundy, and they talk together, in which he philosophizes 
and makes odd suppositions, and thereat she calls him ^^ a 
funny man,^^ 

THE people, wearied with these exciting 
scenes, wanted a change; so that when 
the proposition was broached that Mr. Dickens 
should give them a reading, it was received 
with acclamations. On looking around, that 
gentleman was nowhere to be seen. 

Early in the festival, he had pocketed a few 
choice Havanas, and strolled into the forest 
for a quiet ramble. Coming to a lofty sugar- 
maple, it seemed so inviting there that he 
folded up his screen for a pillow, and dropping 
it a yard or so from its shaggy column, laid 



^38 



ODDS AND ENDS 



down on his back on the velvety sward. Cast- 
ing his eyes upward, he drew in nedar from 
the noble tree umbrellaed over him ; from the 
fantastic forms of its leaves, the delicacy of 
their surfaces, their infinite variety of color, 
the play of light and shade among them as 
they gently moved in the soft current, the beau- 
tiful offspring of rough, grotesque branches, 
by whom they were strongly and lovingly up- 
held and sustained during their short, innocent 
young lives. 

He appeared to 
think there was no 
view of a tree so soul- 
entrancing as that one 
gets when he is on his 
back, and sees its pro- 
jeding wings, so soft 
and tender, spread be- 
tween him and the 
skies. He regarded it as one of the infinite 
texts from which the Great Master continually 
talks to us, as a solace from our work-day 
cares. 

As he lay there, some little brown chip- 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Mr, Dickens having a good 
time under the sugar-maple. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 139 

birds flew down, and hopped close by him, 
and picked up crumbs from crackers he had 
been munching ; while, high up among the 
branches, a plump-breasted robin stretched 
its little throat and gave him a tune to the 
music of the woods. Upon this — Carl Rosa 
and Madame Parepa not being present — the 
reclining man hummed a couple of impromptu 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The titlte brown chip-birds repealing to the author the song 
^* The Lassie Miisic,^^ 



verses, which he never had printed, and so we 
repeat them as they were given to us the next 
morning by the two little tame chip-birds, who 



140 ODDS AND ENDS. 

were so near as to hear them. What the one 
forgot the other remembered, and what the 
other forgot the one remembered, so we saved 
It all. It would have done your heart good 
to see how proud and happy the wee things 
were when they opened their tiny mouths and 
piped it all out to us just as he sang it. 

THE LASSIE MUSIC. 

'Twas at creation's earliest dawn. 
When Music, baby-girl, was born. 
The angels danced, the new earth sang. 
And all the stars to frolic sprang. 
While mamma cried, and papa run 
And groaned, because 'twas not a son. 

But when to years the lassie grew. 

The happiest child the whole world knew. 

Her sweet notes trilled so joyously. 

And soothed all cares so lovingly. 

That mamma laughed, and papa run 

And danced, because 'twas not a son. 

Just then, up came young Oliver Twist 
with two dogs of only a few weeks terrestrial 
existence. As he lay flat upon the sward, the 
puppies pounced upon Mr. Dickens in great 
glee, ran over him, pulled his beard and hair 



ODDS AND ENDS. 141 

with their bits of teeth, and performed the 
many joyous antics so comical and pleasing 
to see in these confiding, merry little creatures. 

In this situation, he was surprised by a party 
in search, captured, and taken back to give 
them a reading. Among his captors was a 
lady, the rich widow of one Jenkins Grundy, 
who lived in a marble palace on Fifth Avenue. 
She was a personage who always had ^^her say" 
about every thing, so she had it on this occa- 
sion, which led to a conversation between them. 
It is all here reported : 

*^ Oh, my ! its funny to see a gentleman 
like you playing with dogs." 

^^ Madame," replied Mr. Dickens, ^^we read 
in the good book that man was made but a 
little lower than the angels, and that all animals 
were placed under his dominion. Man, there- 
fore, is thus midway between the angels and 
them; so, whenever they require protedion, 
we are their angels. This mysterious thing 
we call life is made up of little things. 
Nothing that the Eternal Mind occupies itself 
in creating is too minute for our study. You 
saw me amusing myself with those little ani- 



142 ODDS AND ENDS. 

mals. Their comical antics, their innocence, 
their confidence gave me exquisite pleasure. 
When a noble dog comes up, joyously wagging 
his tail, and places his paw in my hand, as 
much as to say, ' How do you do, Mr. 
Dickens.?' and then looks up wistfully in my 
face, as though reading my thoughts, and as 
though, too, he loved me, and wanted me to 
feel he loved me, my heart goes out toward 
him. I have such an intense desire to learn 
the thoughts and emotions that occupy his 
mind, that, for the sake of this knowledge, 
to enable me more fully to sympathize with 
him, I would gladly for one hour be a dog!" 

^'Oh, my! Mr. Dickens, what ?^ funny man 
you are ! " 

'^ Perhaps so, Madame. If I then remained 
a dog all the rest of my days, maybe I should 
be more worthy of affeftion than many who 
walk the earth in pride and power." 

"If that ever occurs, I shall want you to 
come and live at my country-seat, on the 
North River, and be my watch-dog." 

" I agree to that, on the condition that you 
take good care of me, and not drive me away 



ODDS AND ENDS. I43 

when I go and jump up and put my paw out 
for a hearty squeeze, and wag my tail, and then 
look up so lovingly in your face, as though it 
was the sweetest, most darling face in all the 
wide, wide world ! " 

" Oh, law me ! why, what a man you are ! 
I could n't have the heart to push you away.'* 

^'Another thing, you must feed me well. 
No old, dry bare bones and spoiled meat will 
do for me! I have got a delicate stomach, 
Madame, a delicate stomach, and always have 
had." 

*^ What will you want?" 

" Madame, you must recoiled I am an 
Englishman." 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

"Fee, faw, fit, fum, 

I smell the blood of an Englishman, 
And be he dead or be he alive, 
I must have some." 

"What of that?" inquired Mrs. Grundy. 
" Being an Englishman, I must have my 
mutton-chops every morning for breakfast ; 



144 ODDS AND ENDS. 

otherwise, I shall go to your sheep pasture 
and help myself." 

*'You shall have your mutton-chops for 
breakfast.'' 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Portrait of M^r, Sickens as he would appear if he was 
changed into a dogr, 

*' Oh ! I must have, beside, ^ English break- 
fast tea/ a couple of boiled ^heggs/ some stale 
bread, a boiled potato, and a morning daily." 

" You shall be accommodated, sir. I take 
the Herald^ and you can have that to read." 

^^ I trust it is a good paper. If it is one 
of those vile sheets your people sometimes 
publish, it would destroy my appetite for my 
mutton-chops and ^ heggs.' Beside, Madame, 
I shall have a reputation to support. Although 
I shall be ^only a dog,' yet I shall exped to be 



ODDS AND ENDS. I45 

a respedable dog, and could n't be seen reading 
a sheet that did not uphold the right and stamp 
upon the wrong." 

^^ I appreciate your delicacy/' replied Mrs. 
Grundy. 

"And then I must have roast beef o^vtry day 
for dinner," continued Mr. Dickens. 

" You shall have it, sir." 

" Beside, I must have a bottle of XX 
London Stout to wash it down.*" 

"Agreed, Mr. Dickens; and I will also 
lay in a good supply of Worcestershire sauce, 
old Stilton cheese, and as much ^'alf and 'alf,* 
all the time, as you can drink ; and then, if you 
get sick, I shall send for my family dodlor." 

" Madame, it will be unnecessary for you 
ever to send for your family dodor. I 'm 
never sick, excepting I sometimes am liable 
to fainting turns, when the smell of roast 
beef invariably brings me to. All you will 
have to do, if such a thing should happen, 
is to roast a bit of beef, and bring it, hot and 
sissingy and put under my nose; then I shall 
recover with the first scent. It always goes 
right to the spot.'' 
10 



146 ODDS AND ENDS. 

**It shall be done; and then you'll be 
my faithful, loving New Foundland, wont 
your 

^^No Madame/' answered Mr. Dickens, 
^^I sha'n't. I tell you I'm an Englishman." 
And then in deep, gruff tones he added : 
^^ Can't be any thing but a bull ! " 

"Oh! " exclaimed Mrs. Grundy, "an awful, 
great, savage bull-dog ! I should be scared to 
death at the sight of you ! " 

"No you wouldn't, Madame. I admit 
my growl would be terrible I but I would n't 
hurt any body. If I found small boys up in 
your cherry-trees stealing your ox-hearts, I 
should at once catch them by the waist-band, 
and nowhere else. Then I should pass up to 
them a note from you, neatly written on gilt- 
edged paper, with a great G printed upon it 
in a rustic letter, presenting your compliments, 
and requesting the young gentlemen to con- 
tinue eating your cherries until they were sat- 
isfied. It is probable they would then eat 
voraciously, until they all got the stomach-ache 
dreadfully^ for which I should be sorry ; but 
they would never again tear their breeches by 



ODDS AND ENDS 



147 




climbing into your cherry-trees without per- 
mission/* 

^^A capital idea that, Mr. Dickens. What 
a funny man you are ! " 

" That's what I call 
the Treatment of 
Crime on the Kind- 
ness System." 

^^ Oh ! what ?i funny 
man !'' 

'^ Yes, I suppose I 
am funny; but let us 
philosophize a little. 

The Good Being has ^ortra^^ o/ the ao^ widens in 

arranged affairs here so the act of arresting iheyounff 

^ 1 • 1 cher?y thieves. 

that things which re- 
quire our services win us by their qualities. 
There is no quality that so draws us toward 
any living objed: as its weakness. While I 
was down under that tree, some little chip- 
birds lit by me, and one, with a surprising 
tameness, hopped so near that I could have 
grasped it in my hands and crushed it ; but 
in its very weakness was its strength. Its 
strength was in the moral power it exerted 



IMAGINARY PICTURE. 



148 ODDS AND ENDS. 

over me to proted: the weak, the feeble, and 
the ignorant. You see the idea, do you?" 

^^Yes, sir; but what a funny man! I 
never! 

'^Now,'' continued Mr. Dickens, ^^just 
transform that chip-bird into a bird of the 
size of yonder Ark, with strength correspond- 
ing, but the same bird as before in spirit and 
qualities. It is no longer weak, but strong. 
Your feelings at once change. It becomes a 
hideous monster." 

'^Oh! awful! I should run and scream! 
I am afraid it would take me for a worm, 
seize me, and eat me up ! " 

^^ Not at all, Madame. Though the good 
book says we are all worms, yet I do n't think 
the monster would make that mistake in your 
case. He would take you for something 
prettier than that — for something very beau- 
tiful." 

And as he said this, Mr. Dickens looked at 
the flounces, furbelows, trail, jewelry, and 
brilliant, gorgeous attire of the lady. It 
took five thousand dollars in value in dry 
goods to cover the nakedness of her person 



ODDS AND ENDS. I49 

from the world, but it would exhaust more 
than all the bank-vaults in Christendom to 
conceal the nakedness of her mind. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Mow Mrs, Grundy looked when Mr, Dickens told Iter what the 

chip-bird would take her for if the chip-bird became 

of the size of the ^rk, 

"What would he take me for?'' she in- 
quired. 

'^ A BUTTERFLY ! " 

When he said this, he dropped his chin on 
his breast, rolled up his eyes at Mrs. Grundy, 
and puckered his mouth into an O. That 
enchanting creature at the same moment threw 
up her hands, laid back her head, and drawled 
out at the top of her register, "Oh, my!" 
ending with a little, empty giggle. 



150 ODDS AND ENDS. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violiny while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

" I M be a butterfly, born in a bower. 

Where roses, and lilies, and jessamine meet. 
Roving about from flower to flower. 

And sipping each bud that seems most sweet.*' 






ODDS AND ENDS. 151 



CHAPTER I. 

In which Mr, Dickens continues his conversation with Mrs, 
Grundy, and philosophizes farther upon the power of weak 
things ; describes the wonderful success of the laughing 
doEior, and ends with stating what Mrs, Grundy one day 
put in her pipe and smoked, 

MR. DICKENS continued his benevolent 
talk with Mrs. Grundy by saying : 
^^ I admire a noble-spirited race-horse; but 
my heart goes out to the poor work-horse, that 
has a hard time, yet, withal, is patient and un- 
complaining. I admire a splendid, well-devel- 
oped gentleman, with great, strong qualities, 
that give him place and power ; but my heart 
goes out to the laboring man that I see go by 
in the morning, with his dinner-kettle on his 
arm, to work, maybe, all day in a dingy shop, 
amid dirt, smoke, and dust, the continuous 
whang of trip-hammers, ^nd the horrid clang 
of tools on iron from morn till night, and 
this year after year his life through. 



152 ODDS AND ENDS. 

'^ Poor fellow ! it is but little he gets out 
of this beautiful world ! But when a cultivated 
man, who is never known to make the first 
sacrifice for the weak, with honeyed words uses 
the ignorance of such to elevate himself to place 
and power, and then advocates principles that 
still further crushes the humble, my heart does 
not go out to him — not very much ; at any 
rate, if it does, it don't stay out long; it 
comes in before it rains. 

"Let me further show this principle, for 
the world is full of illustrations. As you 
walk in your garden at your country-seat, 
you admire the flowers as they bloom in tints 
of glory. After a little you come, maybe, to 
a pile of stones, and you find between them a 
rose-bud, and it, as it were, pouts out its little, 
thin, red lips, and says, in a modest, trembling 
voice, ^ Good lady, I am a tiny, wee thing ; 
pray do move away these great stones, and 
give me a chance to live and grow. If you 
but will, I shall be a great, elegant flower one 
of these days, and have a good time.' 

'^Your heart goes out to it, and you stoop 
down and roll away the stones from its sepul- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 153 

cher; and, day after day, you tend it, and 
think more of it than all the rest of the flow- 
ers in the garden, for it is the weak child. 
You thus become the angel of the rose-bud, 
and you prepare it for heaven — that is, the 
heaven of flowers, which is to bloom in love- 
liness, and fill the air with fragrance." 

"I always was fond of flowers,'' said Mrs. 
Grundy. ^^Oh, I do thinkYom.rQ3. funny man f 

''When an infant enters life it cries. The 
mother's first feeling is pity for its helplessness. 
Out of that pity comes the sweetest thing on 
earth — a mother's love. And in the depths 
of that feeling, she runs to exaggeration and 
hyperbole. After exhausting the vocabulary 
of praise, she turns to that of abuse, and 
threatens to eat it up, or to bite oflF its nose, 
or do some other wicked aft." 

''I never did any such thing. I always 
turned over my children to their nurses. But 
I do think you are a funny man!'' 

^'I am a funny man," replied Mr. Dickens, 
^^and so I will talk a little more." 

" Oh, do ! I love to hear you ; you are so 
funny!'' 



154 ODDS AND ENDS. 

^* Nothing touches me as the sight of chil- 
dren as I walk on the streets ; especially a 
group of little girls of humble parentage, 
chatting together on their way to school, with 
their arms gathered in front, holding slate and 
books, and their shawls drawn ^^scrooching" 
over their shoulders. I always pause to look at 
such, to listen to their sweet, young voices, 
to watch the motions of their delicate, slender 
feet and ankles from beneath their drapery, 
and the quick, agile movements of their 
lithe figures. I think, oh! how beautiful, 
and then so young ! so innocent, so unsus- 
pefting ! Some of you will have a hard lot 
in life ; some mated to coarse, brutal men ; 
others, perhaps, to fall by the way-side, and 
to become that most desolate of all things — 
a crushed human flower.'' 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 



*'One more unfortunate. 
Weary of breath. 
Rashly importunate. 
Gone to her death ! 



ODDS AND ENDS, 155 

Take her up tenderly. 
Lift her with care! 

Fashioned so slenderly — 
Young and so fair ! " 

*^ Such reputation as I have/' Mr. Dickens 
continued, ^^ arises from my recording fads in 
the condition of humble people, which the sym- 
pathetic every-where also observe. I refled: 
much upon what I see, turn things over in 
my mind until I get them in odd, strange 
connexions, and so often amuse people by 
presenting them in that way ; but, as I see 
them first, I have the first laugh. When I 
am thinking over scenes for a book, amusing 
relations of things will strike my mind, and 
showing it in my expression as I walk the 
floor, my children will look up in my face 
pleased, and inquire, ^ Papa, what makes you 
smile so?' and I reply, ^ O, it's some little 
Tomfoolery; you will see it all in a book one 
of these days.' 

"This world," continued Mr. Dickens, "is 
full of sad, terrible things, and the sensibilities 
of the good are continually oppressed by the 
knowledge of wrong, oppression, and suffer- 



156 ODDS AND ENDS. 

ing every-where. Beside, every heart has its 
own fountain of sorrow, and those most sus- 
ceptible to joy are, from the very delicacy of 
their organizations, most susceptible to an- 
guish. As a relief to human woes, the Good 
Being has implanted in our natures the faculty 
of appreciating and being benefited by humor. 
No medicine so quickly relieves an aching heart 
as a hearty laugh ; and if your people all read 
my books, and laughed as much in reading as 
I do in writing them, your doftors would 
be out of business in six months. 

^^ I once knew an old dodor whose entire 
stock in trade consisted of bread pills and a 
colledion of funny stories. Soon as he had 
felt of a patient's pulse, and got him to run 
out his tongue, he would say: ^Pooh! there 
aint much the matter with you ! You are a 
great deal more well than you are sick ; if you 
were not, you wouldn't be here. We'll fix 
you up in short meter.* 

^^Then he would open his repository of 
stories. All the family, and the neighbors, 
too, learning of his presence by his old chaise 
out in front, would, by this time have gath- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 157 

ered in the room, and filled it to overflowing, 
to take some of his medicine — they did love 
it so ! It kept them in health, warded off all 
kinds of diseases, as dyspepsia, liver com- 
plaints, neuralgia, barrenness of pockety etc. 
Nobody could feel poor when he was about, 
no matter how rich they were. 

"He was much troubled, as he walked about 
the town, by people who stopped him on the 
corners, and ^button-holed' him, so as to get 
some of his medicine without paying for it. 
It was very dishonest, but there is no account- 
ing for the meanness of some folks ! 

"A single visit from him generally cured 
the patient. This mode of treatment resulted 
disastrously for the Dodlor; he worked him- 
self entirely out of practice I People learned 
it didn't pay to be sick when he was around, 
so he had to go to another town, and the same 
thing resulted there, and he was obliged again 
to move. Poor man ! it kept him nothing but 
a rolling stone all the days of his life ! " 

"He then should have altered his method 
of pradice," suggested Mrs. Grundy. 

"Oh ! he wanted to, for his family's sake, 



158 



ODDS AND ENDS 



for he had a quantity of growing childicn, 
and continually changing their schools made 
it bad for them, but he couldn't." 

^^Why not?'' inquired Mrs. Grund). 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
The Lauffhing Doctor administering his medicine* 

^^ You see," answered Mr. Dickens, "he had 
unconsciously taken so much of his own medi- 
cine, that the muscles of his cheeks had all 
shortened, so that the power of looking anxious 
and solemn by the bedside of the sick was com- 
pletely gone. Nobody could see him without 
laughing; the expression of his countenance 
was so irresistibly comical. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 159 

^^ Beside, he was an exceedingly modest 
man, of exquisitely delicate sensibilities, and 
had rather die than to go around prying into 
things, and asking people about their private, 
internal arrangements, as do other dodors. 
He knew it was all useless. He was too 
conscientious to resort to the old way, when 
he felt he could always cure by his mode of 
treatment. So, like all reformers, he became 
a martyr to his own principles." 

'^ That was hard," said Mrs. Grundy. 

^' Yes, Madame, very. Beside, he made a 
great many enemies." 

"Why, you astonish me! How, on the 
earth, could that be?" 

" Nothing more natural, Madame. The 
patent medicine manufacturers, all sorts of 
dodors, as allopathic, hydropathic, homeo- 
pathic, botanic, ecledlic, clairvoyant, euro- 
scopic, etc. ; the apothecaries, undertakers, 
sextons, and the mourning dry goods people 
hated him with a perfeft hatred. You see, he 
ruined their business and brought distress upon 
their families." 

"I don't wonder," replied Mrs Grundy. 



i6o ODDS AND ENDS. 

^^ There were two classes of patients, how- 
ever, he never could cure, but these every- 
where were too limited in number to furnish 
his support/' 

^'What were they?" 

^' Those who fell from heights, and had 
their brains dashed out by striking the ground 
too suddenly^ and those who had fits^ 

''Why not?" inquired Mrs. Grundy. 

^'You see, to have the Dodor's medicine 
take a good hold, required some intelled. 
People who fell from heights were deficient — 
deficient in understandings or else they never 
would have suffered from that cause." 

^' O yes, O yes!" chimed in Mrs. G. ; 
"but how about fits?" 

*'The Doftor could not cure fits by his 
mode of treatment. He could only change 
their charader." 

" How so?" 

"He changed them into laughing JitSy' re- 
plied Mr. Dickens. "And he lost several 
patients in that way; and it was meanly throv^n 
up against him by his enemies, for they died 

A-LAUGHING ! " 



ODDS AND ENDS 



i6i 



^'Oh! oh!" 

Upon saying which, Mrs. Grundy suddenly 
drew up her face and put her handkerchief up 
to her eyes, as if about to burst into tears. A 
puff of wind had just at that instant filled them 
with dust, and the pain for a few moments was 
excruciating. She had our sympathy. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
One of Ihe Xtauf/hinff Doctor'^ patients in his death agonies. 

At this time they had arrived on the ground, 
where the multitude were all on the qui vive for 
the new sensation ; and they had enough, as 
you will see further on. 

As for Mrs. Grundy, when she got home 
to her mansion on Fifth Avenue, she one day 
II 



l62 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



retired to a corner, put a well-filled pipe in her 
mouth, seated herself on a low chair, leaned 
forward, placed her elbows on her knees, her 
wrists met under her chin, while her out- 
stretched palms covered her cheeks, and thus 
supported in that attitude, she sat and smoked 
the whole matter that Mr. Dickens had told 
her; and the smoke thereof arose, and ever 
after remained, it is to be hoped, a grateful 
incense in her presence. 

If you doubt it, 
the next time you 
meet her take her 
chin between your 
fore-finger arid 
thumb, give it a few 
good-natur'd shakes, 
IMAGINARY PICTURE. ^^^ ^^^ hev ; aud 

^Ofy Mrs, Grtmcly will look if you ^^^^ y O U 11 hear 
take her hy the chin a?id ask her what the wholc WOrld 
^^what she says,^^ 

is anxious to know, 
^^What Mrs. Grundy says!'' Then you 
will please report it, and we'll write another 
book, and then they will say, ^^ What a fool ! " 




ODDS AND ENDS. 163 



CHAPTER J. 

Mr, Dickens prepares to give a readings during which he takes 
a pinch of titillating powdery and displays a new pattern 
of a handkerchief; after which there is opened, stretched 
wide open, ready for use, quite a considerable quantity of 
fly-traps, 

THERE being no regular stage for reading, 
a substitute was found for Mr. Dickens 
in the omnibus stage which had brought Andy 
and party in the morning. Ralph Waldo Em- 
merem, Harry Wood Beachem, Oliver Wendell 
Humes, and William Gilmore Sammies were 
sent around with their hats for a colledion. 
It was thought these four gentlemen, with 
double-dose names, would put the financial 
matter through with eminent success; but 
Dawlbee, dissatisfied, sent out little Oliver 
Twist, with a platter which had escaped the 
plowing operations of Andy, " for more," but 
we do not think Mr. Dickens ever knew of it. 



164 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Andy Jinsin, arm in arm with Mrs. Chubb; 
Secretary Sewap and Jerry Darkname, each 
also with a lady, with other gentlemen and 
ladies from Washington, got into the stage — 
or rather we should say under the platform — 
that they might be near to hear. The four 
gentlemen with double-dose names mounted 
to the top, together with many others, among 
whom were David Copperfield, Captain Cuttle, 
Bunsby, one Nicholas Nickleby (who had been 
supercargo for Captain Cook in his voyage 
around the world), Jeems Bukanning, of Old 
Rye Land, Peeping Tom of Coventry, two 
^^Gods," and one ^^ Little Fish." 

All these seated themselves around on the 
outer margin of the 'bus, with their backs to 
the center, forming a continuous balustrade 
for Mr. Dickens' proteftion, while their over- 
hanging line of legs, ending with a display of 
boots, made a piduresque fringe to the concern. 

Mr. Dickens, feeling the want of a table, 
three small boys of graded size and age — viz. : 
eight, ten, and twelve years — volunteered, and 
felt themselves honored to supply the defi- 
ciency. Placing themselves in the posture of 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



165 



all-fours, one above the other, the largest at 
bottom and the smallest on top, every thing 
was ready. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Mr. Dickens about to give a reading from an omnibus stage, T/te 

stage has a protecting balustrade i?i a tine of bodies 07} itx 

margin , fringed with tegs ending with a disptay of 

pendant boots, JTis tabte is formed of three 

boys, respectivetjf twetve, ten, and eight 

years of age, ptaced on att-fours^ 

the sm at test on top. 

As Mr. Dickens laid his MSS, on the back 
of the little eight-year old as a table-top, the 



l66 ODDS AND ENDS. 

oddity of the thing made his eyes twinkle 
with suppressed merriment. Blushing and 
biting his lips, however, he was about to 
begin, when his attention was arrested by the 
sight of an arm thrust at full length through 
the ^^poke-up" hole, back of the driver's seat, 
holding in its hand a small silver box con- 
taining a titillating powder. At the same 
time he heard from below the voice of the 
owner of the arm and box, calling to him by 
name. It was the small, piping voice of Mr. 
Sewap, drawling out in blandest tones : 

'' M-i-s-t-e-r D-i-c-k-e-n-s, w-i-1-1 y-o-u 
h-a-v-e a p-i-n-c-h t-o r-e-f-r-e-s-h y-o-u-r- 
s-e-l-f b-e-f-o-r-e y-o-u b-e-g-i-n y-o-u-r 
r-e-a-d-i-n-g ? '' 

Whereupon Mr. Dickens went up to that 
box and took therefrom a pinch of snuff, 
which ad: of acceptance had a soothing effed 
upon Mr. Sewap. He felt in his conscience 
he had done a good thing. Then and there, 
standing upon that 'bus, in the presence of 
the assembled multitude, every eye upon him 
to see how he did it, Mr. Dickens took that 
pinch, and it seemed to do him good, and that 



ODDS AND ENDS 



167 



assembled multitude felt good at his evident 
refreshment. Then and there drawing a hand- 
kerchief from his breast pocket, Mr. Dickens 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

.?/>♦. DicA:e7is dtsplayhig thai ?inndA:ei*chief with a chain border^ 

embroidered n'ith scarlet silk^ and the center a crescent 

fuoott, embroidered in ffreen sitA:, 

held it up by the corners, so that every lady 
in that assembled multitude — several hundred 
in all — observed it was a white handkerchief, 
with a chain border^ embroidered with scarlet silk^ 
and the center a crescent moon^ embroidered in green 
silk I and they each and all, then and there, 
resolved to embroider some handkerchiefs, 
after the same pattern, for their husbands 
and gentlemen loves. Then and there Mr. 



l68 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Dickens took that handkerchief loosely in the 
palm of his hand, and, in the presence of the 
assembled multitude, every eye upon him to 
see how he did it, and he knowing it, too, 
without the least embarrassment, lifted that 
handkerchief with a chain border^ embroidered 
in scarlet silk^ and the center a crescent moon^ 
embroidered in green silky and, without consid- 
ering the indelicacy of the thing — wiped! 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin ^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

'* Fire on the mountains! 
Run, boys, run ! 
Cat 's in the cream-pitcher ! 
Come, girls, come ! " 

Yes, aftually wiped, with measured delib- 
eration, for it was a warm day, the perspiration 
from his forehead ! 

** This he did, and nothing more." 

Returning that handkerchief with a chain 
border^ embroidered with scarlet silk^ and the 
center a crescent moon^ embroidered in green silk^ 
to his pocket, Mr. Dickens made a graceful 



ODDS AND ENDS. 169 

obeisance, threw back his head, and opened 
his mouth to begin, when that member re- 
mained fixed, stretched wide open, as if he 
heard something! The four gentlemen with 
double-dose names simultaneously threw back 
their heads and opened their mouths, and they 
remained fixed, stretched wide open, as if they 
heard something I David Copperfield, Captain 
Cuttle, Bunsby, and one Nicholas Nickleby 
(who had been supercargo for Captain Cook 
in his voyage around the world), Jeems Buk- 
anning, of Old Rye Land, Peeping Tom of 
Coventry, two "Gods," and one "Little 
Fish,'' simultaneously threw back their heads 
and opened their mouths, and they remained 
fixed, stretched wide open, as if they heard 
something I 

All on the 'bus did the same, excepting the 
three small boys of graded sizes and respect- 
ively twelve, ten, and eight years of age, who 
couldn't throw back their heads, but opened 
their mouths, and they remained fixed, stretched 
wide open, as if they heard something! Those 
under the platform, in the 'bus — Andy Jinsin, 
Mrs. Chubb, Mr. Sewap, Jerry Darkname, 



170 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



(each with a lady,) and the other gentlemen 
and ladies from Washington — simultaneously 
threw back their heads and opened their mouths 
and they remained fixed, stretched wide open, 
as if they heard something ! 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 
Quite a cottection of Jiy -traps opened. 

Every person in that vast assemblage, num- 
bering one thousand gentlemen and ladies, as 
was estimated, simultaneously threw back their 
heads and opened their mouths, and they re- 
mained fixed, stretched wide open, as if they 
heard something ! 

Including Mr. Dickens, the four gentlemen 
with double-dose names, David Copperfield, 
Captain Cuttle, Bunsby, and one Nicholas 
Nickleby (who had been supercargo for Cap- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 171 

tain Cook in his voyage around the world), 
Jeems Bukanning, of Old Rye Land, Peeping 
Tom of Coventry, two ^^ Gods," and one 
"Little Fish;'' all others on the 'bus — 
counting in the three small boys of graded 
sizes, and respectively twelve, ten, and eight 
years of age — those under the platform, in the 
'bus — Andy Jinsin, Mrs. Chubb, Mr. Sewap, 
Jerry Darkname, (each with a lady,) and the 
other ladies and gentlemen from Washington — 
every person in that vast assemblage, number- 
ing one thousand persons, ladies and gentle- 
men, as was estimated — including all these, we 
say, there was thus simultaneously opened, and 
they remained fixed, stretched wide open, ready 
for instant use, quite a colledion of fly- 
traps ! 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

** There 's a good time coming. 
There 's a good time coming, boys ! 
Wait a little longer." 

It was but a little longer they had to wait; 
not a century, nor a decade, nor a year, nor a 



172 ODDS AND ENDS. 

month, nor a week, nor a day, nor an hour, 
nor a minute. The good time promised was 
'^over the left,'' and it arrived in five seconds, 
when ceased their dreadful suspense. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 173 



CHAPTER K. 

The Awful Unknown sets loose all the animal population of the 
Ark, just as Mr, Dickens opens his mouth to read, when they 
charge wildly down upon the multitude, who fee in terror ; 
and many strange things happen, 

SUSPENSE ended is, in a measure, a 
relief, although the change may come 
through instant suffering. Any thing, we all 
say, but the agony of waiting the descent of 
the uplifted club. 

When the dread suspense under which the 
multitude labored had terminated, every heart 
was struck with terror, every cheek blanched, 
and every nerve quivered, for the astounding 
fa(5t burst upon them that the whole animal 
population of the Ark had been let loose, 
were coming ashore, and charging down wildly 
upon them ! Then was revealed the meaning 
of that horrible, mysterious, hellish leer upon 
the face of the Unknown, as he stalked tri- 



174 



ODDS AND ENDS 



umphantly away, noiseless as a fallen spirit, 
and disappeared in the dark, gloomy recesses 
of the ravine. .He meant mischief, and had 
now gone and did it! 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The Grand Seffira, 2'he animaU broke ?oose from t?iv ArA:, 

and charffinf; down wiM2y upon ike crowds who 

hreaA: and run i?i terror. 



In a moment the birds filled the air with their 
flutterings and screechings — crov/s, hawks, ea- 
gles, condors, buzzards, snipes, cat-birds, and 
much poultry. On came the others full tilt. 
The bulls bellowed, the hyenas screamed, the 



ODDS AND ENDS. 175 

lions roared, the wolves howled, the sheep 
bleated, the jackasses brayed, the baboons 
chattered, and every other beast and bird that 
had a voice joined in the din. 

The ground, too, at once became alive with 
serpents, squirming, hissing, and shooting 
out their forked tongues; rattlesnakes, vipers, 
black-snakes, cobra de capellos, hooded snakes, 
copperheads, and all others of the horrid, 
squirming generation. 

The multitude could not tarry for the lus- 
cious new wine that was to have been poured 
out for their thirsty souls, but, as one, partook 
of the panic and went. And they did n*t stand 
on the order of their going, but went at once, 
hastened on in their flight by multitudes of 
stinging insefts, as wasps, hornets, bumble- 
bees, with the lesser annoyances of clouds of 
gallinippers, horse-flies, and devils' darning- 
needles. 

Max Marattlezak took ''the lead." He 
whipped his horses in a frenzy and disap- 
peared from the scene, while the performers 
in the Mewonica sent up discordant cries. 
To the tail of the wagon hung Jeems Buk- 



176 ODDS AND ENDS. 

anning, and also Andy Jinsin, who had run away 
from Mrs. Chubb, leaving that estimable lady 
in the lurch. 

After them, running at full speed, were 
Jefferson Devis, General Grent, the omnibus 
stage driver, Ben Walkonbottom, Admiral 
Sammies, Grandmamma Wulles, and the entire 
multitude, including the ^^ Mutual Friends," 
"Odd Friends," "Ye Gods and Little Fishes," 
"Uncle Sam's Men," "Ye Dickens' Squad," 
the Noah family, Ripstiwizen Van Winkle 
and his dog Snyder, and Brick Pummice, 
who lost a new hat. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

"The little dog laughed 
To see the sport. 
And the dish ran away 
With the spoon." 

The only vehicle, beside that which held 
the Mewonica, was an Adams' Express wagon, 
which brought off in safety Commodore Van- 
derconstrud. Ledger Bonny, and some people 
from the Land of Nod. In the van of the 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



177 



runaways was the deputation of She-caw- 
geese. 

The most terror-stricken of the host was, 
undoubtedly, the Wandering Jew, for his fears 
were spiritual. He fancied the incensed spirits 
of his six hundred and thirty-one deceased 
wives were after him, which they undoubtedly 
were. 

The Man in the 
Moon and his wife 
escaped by climbing 
up to their habitation 
on a bean-stalk which 
had fastened itself 
around on one of the 
horns of the moon. 
It grew from a mirac- 
ulous bean that had imaginary picture. 

dropped through a hole The Man in the Moon andhii 

in the nocket of Tack ^^f^ escapins^ by cttmbinsr up 

m tUC pOLK^Ct: or J dCK. ^^ ^^^^^ habUation on ihe 

the Giant Killer on bean-statk of jack 

ihe Giant Kitier, 

his arrival. 

At the first alarm, Harry Wood Beachem 
and Jawge H. Pendletum, who had continued 
through the entire day their duties as nurses 
12 




lyS ODDS AND ENDS. 

with a tenderness and assiduity which did them 
honor, unconsciously threw away their young 
charges into a large clump of barberry bushes. 
The Pre- Adamite Van Winkle rescued them; 
and, what is more, when the enemy got too 
near that venerable individual and his dog 
Snyder, both paused and turned around, when 
the dog barked, and Van Winkle brought his 
gun to bear in a menacing attitude upon their 
four-footed, two-footed, flying, and wriggling 
pursuers. They were, however, in no great 
danger, for the extreme age of the dog had 
left him with only gums, and that load had 
been in Mr. Van Winkle's fowling-piece over 
a million of years ! 

Wendell Feelups turned also, and tried the 
eflFecft of a round cussing. He cussed with 
a vehemence that enhanced his reputation. 
*Twas of no use. He was flattened out by a 
gorilla, scampered over by baboons, wriggled 
across by snakes and other kinds of ground- 
hugging vermin, hopped over by toads, and 
noticed by buzzards. At last came along an 
enormous, slow-moving ^'Illinois turtle;" and 
that also went over him, and, unconsciously to 



ODDS AND ENDS 



179 



itself — for it was an amiable creature — hurt 
Wendell badly in a tender spot. Wendell lay 
flat on his back, with 



l|!I!!!IIfl!!^ 




his tongue pulled out 
upon his chin by the 
weight of an unusu- 
ally heavy cuss which 
he had been unable to 
discharge. The claws 
of the turtle caught 
in this obstruftion, 
split it, and from that 
day to this Wendell 
has been unable to 
give the full impres- 
sion of his talent. 

The ^^ Little Fishes" moved but a short 
distance in the general current, but, under 
the lead of a big fish, soon eddied off to one 
side, circled backward and around their pur- 
suers, and finally arrived at the deserted Ark, 
when they all dived into the water and hid 
under its huge hulk, near the rudder. 

Valhanghim, Admiral Sammies, and Jeff 
Devis had unhappy falls, tripped by the trails 



iiiiillllllliillillliliiillilililliltiliilll 
IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The Illhiois iurlte depriving 

Wendett J^eeiups of the 

power to "^cuss,'^ 



l8o ODDS AND ENDS. 

of the Misses Noah. The unfortunate Val 
was dragged some distance by Miss Hephzibah, 
who took after her mother — a lass of vast size 
and power of body. 

In his unhappy flight, he attraded the at- 
tention of a Durham bull, young, wild, and 
full of fight, who, with its sharp horns, tore 
his garments most woefully. 

Charles Dickens attempted to cover him 
with his screen, lest he should ^^ catch cold.'* 
In this he was assisted by one Nicholas 
Nickleby (who had been supercargo for Cap- 
tain Cook in his voyage around the world), 
and Captain Cuttle (who stuck his hook through 
the American Eagle, and gave the thing a twitch), 
while Bunsby delivered — hastily delivered, run- 
ning — ^^an opinion that was an opinion;" all 
in vain. 

It came near finishing Charles' readings, for 
the bull turned upon him, and he only escaped 
by a stratagem of one Nicholas Nickleby (who 
had been supercargo for Captain Cook in his 
voyage around the world), assisted by Captain 
Cuttle, and backed by an opinion from Bunsby 
''that was an opinion," and so remains ''an 



ODDS AND ENDS 



i8l 



opinion that was an opinion " to this present 
day, whatever any body else may say to the 
contrary, notwithstanding, anyhow! 

Finally the trail 
was rent, and Val 
freed, only to be 
overtaken by the 
anaconda, when a 
tragedy ensued. Val 
lay panting, helpless, 
his clothes in shreds, 
^^with his hands in 
his mouth, and his 
mouth in the dust,'' 
when he was leisurely 
slobbered over by the 
monster, and then 

swallowed. But he proved too hard a morsel 
for the anaconda to digest. Val lived — the 
reptile died! What a triumph for Val! 

Some hours thereafter he recovered, and was 
enabled to escape. This was through an heir- 
loom left him by his grandfather, of blessed 
revolutionary memory — an old Barlow knife — 
which, fastened by an eel-string around his 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

yathanffhint being swallowed by 

the anaconda, Sodjy from 

waisi down only Is seen. 



l82 



ODDS AND ENDS 



neck, he always carried over his heart. With 
this he cut a hole between the ribs of the car- 
rion, through which he crawled, and emerged 
into sunlight and the waiting, anxious arms 
of the Democracy. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

'Presentation of the new clothes to Vnthanffhim by the Unterri- 

jfted and Screeching j on which occasion he makes 

a ntettinff speech. 

The Unterrified and Screeching furnished 
him with an entire new suit of clothes, by 
dime subscriptions; hence the expresssion, 
Val-hand-him-a-dime ! Understand us, they 



ODDS AND ENDS 



i8 



were not all dime contributions; by no means. 
As small sums as five cents were given, and 
some little folks were persuaded, in the en- 
thusiasm of the moment, to throw in their 
candy pennies, but they repented, with tears 
in their eyes, the next time they saw a peanut 
stand. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Lati appearance of Cart ^osa and M'adame ^arepa, and 
retirement front these scenes. 

The presentation ceremony took place in 
Pike's New Opera-house. The event was 
celebrated by the firing of cannon, the ringing 
of bells, and a speech from Val, recounting 
his services in their behalf — his labors, per- 
secutions, trial, expulsion as an outlaw from 
his native land, his return, and enthusiastic 
triumph over his enemies; his troubles with 



184 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Miss Hephzibah Noah, his engorgement by 
the anaconda, and final miraculous escape — 
through the means of the little heirloom left 
him by his grandfather, of blessed revolu- 
tionary memory — from the digestive apparatus 
of the monster. So touching was his narrative, 
that his followers wept. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang : 

"He put in his thumb. 
And pulled out a plum. 
And cried — 
What a great boy am I ! " 

^^ Encore!" '^Encore!** shouted the crowd, 
and stamped their feet, and clapped their hands, 
and tossed up their hats. 

And Carl Rosa played upon the violin^ while 
Madame Parepa sang: 

" I wish I was a geese. 

All forlorn ! all forlorn ! 
'Cause they 'cumulates much grease. 

Over there ! over there ! 
And lives and dies in Peace, 

Eating corn! eating corn!** 



ODDS AND ENDS. 185 

*^ Encore!" again shouted the multitude; 
upon which Carl thrust his left hand behind 
him, into the right pocket of his coat, with 
the palm outward, and, nervously shaking the 
flap up and down, bowed modestly to the 
people ; while Madame, prettily kicking the 
trail of her dress out of an entanglement, gave 
one of her graceful courtesies and winning 
smiles. 

Then the little, delicate, flaxen-haired young 
Carl led away the innocent-looking, amiable, 
gentle-eyed, but ponderous Madame, so that 
neither the sweet strains of his violin, nor the 
delicious, bird-like voice of the beautiful lady 
could be heard any more. 

The whole house was now ^^in a buzz.*' In 
all parts individuals of Milesian origin, in 
trembling, anxious tones, and with tearful 
eyes, put the query: ^^ Would ye have yer sister 
to marry a naygurV And at this the party 
addressed invariably raised his fist, and then 
brought it down with tremendous emphasis, 
as he replied, in a voice of solemn indigna- 
tion : " No^ by thunder ! " 



ODDS AND ENDS. 189 



CHAPTER L. 

Andy departs for Tennessee y escorted by the corps cf ** Odd 
friends/' guided by a mysterious apparition in the sky, they 
leave, amid the tears and groans of the multitude, singing a 
dirge, and go marching on, marching on! the author awakes 
from his dream, 

ANOTHER day is upon us. 
Time, with his mystic wand, has 

brought us to the Ides of March, 1869. 
We are in front of the White House. 
The city is clad in mourning; the bells are 

tolling; minute-guns firing; flags are 

draped. 
A dense multitude, males and females, occupy 

every spot. 
They are attired in sable habiliments; their 

countenances sad, woe-stricken. 
The corps of Odd Friends stand in line, under 

their venerable commander, Jeems Buk- 

anning, of Old Rye Land. 



190 ODDS AND EiN[DS. 

They wear black scarfs ; their grindstone is 

also draped. 
Jeems has on a new pair of goggles; the glasses 

black ; they are fastened behind by the 

old chain and padlock. 
The drum taps ! 
Two members of his corps, Shade of Jo Smith 

and Peregrine Pickle, step out of the 

ranks. 
They march — march into the White House. 
All await in silence. 
Not a word is spoken. 
Not a soul stirs. 
Not a cough even is heard. 
They reappear; Andy between them, in a 

chair formed by their hands and arms. 
His arms clasp their necks. 
The drum taps ! 

With measured tread, they march to the grind- 
stone. 
I'hey set him a-straddle. 

A deathly pallor overspreads his countenance. 
He is about to faint. 
The drum taps! 
A Bladdernier steps out of the ranks. 



ODDS AND ENDS 



191 



He marches up; gives the military salute; 

passes up his bladder. 
It is water! Andy turns his head in disgust. 
The Bladdernier gives the parting salute; re- 
volves on his heel; solemnly marches 

back to the ranks. 
The drum taps ! 
A colored personage, Joice Heth, steps three 

paces to the front. 
The drum taps ! 
She marches up; gives the salute; passes up 

a demijohn. 
Andy removes the' 

cork — smells! 
The odor is satis- 

fadory. 
He turns up the 

vessel. 
Every eye rests upon 

him, to see imaginary picture. 

*^ how he did Andy disptays the '^ circle'^ of the 
• »» demijohn. 

Every eye observes that the bottom of that 

demijohn is a circle. 
He heeds it not. 




192 ODDS AND ENDS. 

He is done with circles. 

The hole of gurgling alone attrafts him. 

He drinks long and strong. 

The power of SUCTION survives the 

*' wreck of matter and the crash of 

worlds!" 
Suddenly appears in the west a small, ink-hued 

cloud. 
It moves on like a whirlwind, enlarges as it 

comes, until it fills the western heavens, 

when it rests in silence almost overhead. 
It is black and ominous ; its edge of a dazzling 

white. 
The multitude are appalled. 
A terrific peal of thunder and a blinding flash 

of lightning momentarily stun them. 
They again look. 
Lo! the cloud has vanished. 
In its place, miles high in air, is an immense 

figure, full a mile in length. 
He has a weird, unearthly expression; looks 

like an immortal; countenance is sad, 

woe-begone, hard as iron. 
His attire, in all but color, is like that of the 

Continentals of the American Revolution. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 193 

The coat shad-bellied and black, with white 
facings and trimmings ; its skirt swallow- 
tailed, spreading apart, and very long. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

2'he awfut apparition in ike sA^y, as it stands immorahte, f¥ith 
folded arms, and ffazes down upon the terror-stricken^ 
trembling multitude gathered in front of the 
White Souse, 

The breeches are white; and he has on cavalry 
boots, with spurs of perhaps a quarter of 
a mile in length. 

The cap is that of a grenadier; tall, conical, 
black, with white trimmings, and sur- 
mounted by a white plume, tipped with 
black, bobbing behind. 

His hair is immense, black, and extending to 
the waist: perhaps in those regions of 
upper air there are no barber-shops. 

^3 



194 ODDS AND ENDS. 

This terrific presence looks down upon the 
crowd from eyes that sparkle like diamonds. 

The pupils are a dazzling white^ with a black 
rim. 

In his hand is a wand; at the end a white 
streamer, bordered with black. 

Across it is the single word, in black, CON- 
STITUTION. 

This word is partly concealed by a black de- 
vice — Head of Death and Cross-bones ! 

Every eye fastens upon this awful apparition. 

For a few moments it stands immovable, with 
folded arms, and gazes down upon them. 

Cold chills run through every soul of the vast 
multitude. 

Their teeth all chatter. 

The silence is profound, broken only by the 
striking together of thousands of sets 
of teeth. 

Many faint and are borne away in the arms 
of friends. 

Finally the apparition moves; slowly he raises 
the wand, points it down toward the com- 
pany of Odd Friends, and describes in 
the air a single circle. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 195 

Then several successive jets of eledriclty spirts 
from his mouth, accompanied by a crack- 
ling noise, like sparks from an immense 
eledrical machine. 

Next the apparition revolves on his heels and 
points to the south-west, down toward 
Tennessee. 

He begins to march in that direftion. 

He has the same singular mode of marching 
as Jeems; struts so much as to form a 
well-defined backward curve. 

Each knee is, in turn, raised to the level of the 
thigh, and each foot alternately brought 
down regularly, with strong, muscular 
jerks. 

This jerking motion is communicated to the 
long plume and spreading coat-tail. 

The hair streams out behind. 

Jeems obeys the order from his superior. 

He forms his corps. 

They start off, dragging Andy, a-straddle the 
grindstone. 

His face is to the rear, the image of despair, 

Jeems and his Bladderniers keep exa6l time to 
their leader up aloft. 



196 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



The jerks In the sky above are simultaneous 
with the jerks on the earth beneath. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

yi?tdy, escorted by the company of Odd ^?'tends^ and a-straddte 

of their grindstone y teaves the Jfhite JETouse for Tennessee, 

Guided bjf a mysterious apparition in the sky^ they leave 

amid the tears and groans of the multitude^ and 

singing the ^^f)i7'ge of Andy,' ^ Thus they pass j 

in a straight 2ine^ over fields j, across rivers 9 

through forests, down vat leys, over 

mountains^ and go marching on / 

m,arching on / tnarching on / 



As they move off, they all sing in low, wailing 
tones : 



ODDS AND ENDS. 197 



THE DIRGE OF ANDY. 

We are marching on 

With groans and sighs ; 
We carry Andy, 

With tears in our eyes, 
Down to Tennessee. 

O ! carry Andy 
Way down to Tennessee ! 
O dear ! O dear ! 
O dear ! O dear ! 
O! O! O! 

The circle 's done. 

The Constitution dies ! 
It 's a bee-line. 

With tears in our eyes; 
Down to Tennessee ! 

O ! a straight bee-line. 
Way down to Tennessee ! 
O dear ! O dear ! 
O dear! O dear! 
O! O! O! 



198 ODDS AND ENDS. 

The multitude break forth in lamentations. 

The men bury their faces in their hats, the fe- 
males in their handkerchiefs. 

Every handkerchief in that vast assemblage is 
^^ a white handkerchief with a chain border^ 
embroidered in scarlet silk^ and the center a 
crescent moon^ embroidered in green silk^ 

As the procession passes off, Andy again ex- 
hibits the circle of the demijohn. 

He drinks long and strong. 

The power of SUCTION survives "the 

WRECK OF MATTER AND THE CRASH OF 
WORLDS ! " 

In a straight line the procession follows the 
mysterious figure on high. 

Nothing obstruds its onward progress. 

Over fields, across rivers, through forests, 
down valleys, and over mountains, it 
marches on ! marches on ! marches on ! 

To the sight of the multitude it is soon lost 
in the undulations of a broken country. 

Not so the figure in the heavens. 

It occasionally pauses, revolves slowly around 
on its heel, describes with its wand a single 
circle in the air, jets of eledricity spirt 



ODDS AND ENDS. 199 

from its mouth, it again revolves, points 
down toward the south-west, and then 
marches on! marches on! marches on I 

The day wanes. 

The mysterious figure is many, many miles 
away. ^. 

At once, as if by magic, a white cloud appears 
just beyond him, not rounding, cumulus, 
with varied tints of shade, but all of one 
uniform hue, like a huge white sheet 
stretched in front. 

Its upper edge is a straight, horizontal line 
across the heavens, above which stands 
out the sky, distindl and clear. 

He marches into it and disappears. 

A moment later, it is broken*, and resolves 
itself into an immense mass of pearly- 
white, steam-like vapor, then vanishes. 

Again the mysterious figure in the sky appears. 

Lo ! beside him stands another apparition — a 
jet-black horse of beautiful proportions; 
prancing, restless, full of life. 

The two are projeded in bold relief against 
the cold, gray sky. 

He mounts. 



200 



ODDS AND ENDS 



The animal apparition flies around with him. 
It seems miraculous that he can remain upon 

this fiery charger. 
Continuous jets of eledricity issue from his 

mouth, as though he was trying to soothe 

its vivacity. 




liViAGINARY PICTURE. 

The tnygterious apparition in the sky is Joined by another 

apparition, that of a horse^ n'hen he goes riditig on/ 

riding on/ riding on/ 

Finally he has him under control. 

Then he puts spurs to his flank. 

Holding the wand upright at arm's length in 
front of him, while the streamer stretches 
far behind, he gallops an immense circle 
in the air. 



ODDS AND ENDS. (20I 

It can not be less than sixty miles. 

A few moments suffice for its completion. 

Then he heads toward the south-west, and goes 
slowly ridiytg on! riding on! riding on! 

The day closes. 

Night is present. 

The sky in the south-west assumes a lurid, 
unearthly glare. 

Against this, gradually diminishing in apparent 
size by distance, yet in sharp relief, is the 
apparition, weird-like, riding on! riding 
on! riding on! 

Through the long watches of the night, the 
people stand gazing upon it, awe-stricken, 
with blanched cheeks and quivering nerves, 
until the Great Sun, in its majestic course, 
shoots forth its gladdening beams, when 
it begins fading away ! fading away ! 
fading away! 

In a few moments it is an impalpable mist ; 
its outline lost. 

Then it vanishes — the precise moment none 
can tell — and is seen no more forever! 



202 ODDS AND ENDS, 

'^ Halloo ! who 's there ? " 

^^t's me, Dodher!" 

^* Ho ! you, Bridget ? What do you want ? " 

^^ The load of coal yer Honor bo't yesther- 
day has come, an' the mon wants ye to sign the 
tayke-it !'' 

My long dream was thus abruptly broken 
and ended by the voice and knock at my door 
of Bridget, our great, stalwart Queen of Fry- 
some — tall as a grenadier, strong as a giant, 
faithful to us as an attached New Foundland 
to his master — from that woe-stricken isle 
of the ocean which that hard, dogmatic old 
curmudgeon, John Bull, with his massive 
jaws, has clutched by the throat between him 
and sunset, and there mercilessly squeezes^ 
squeezes^ squeezes^ until its life-blood oozes^ 
oozes^ oozes from every pore, runs into the 
Atlantic a broad, living stream, flows across 
its wide expanse, and washes upon our shores ! 

'^Give us your great, shaggy paw! hearty, 
honest, bluff old John Bull ! 

'' We did you wrong to call you hard names ! 

''You served Pat right — you did — to seize 
him by the throat, squeeze hard, and then to 



ODDS AND ENDS 



203 



finish by turning him around and swinging in 
a solid kick that sent him ^scooting' clear 
across the Atlantic ! 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The ttfe-btood of Iretand as it oozesy oozes, oozes from every 

pore^ runs into the Atlantic a broad, tivinff stream^ 

flows across its wide expanse, and washes 

upon our shores/ 

" Pat loves you for it — he does ! he saw how 
you enjoyed it, and aches ^ aches to bestow like 
benefits ! 

^^Imitation^ John, is the greatest flattery! 

'^John, you are Pat's ideal of the right 
thing ! 

"Pat 'goes in* for the ' Dimmycratic 



204 



ODDS AND ENDS. 



tayk-it/ so he can keep the ball moving — 
swing his boot-toes into Sambo ! 

" Who knows but he may yet get up a 
high frolic in the line of a huge bonfire? — 
burn an orphan asylum of Mittle ebonies!' 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

Orphan asylum in ftames, ^' JF'un to see the * liWe ehonies^ 
scampe?' out, and hear 'em scream /—hear 'em^ scream /'' 

'^ John, when this does take place, we must 
all be present, unite in the sport, tap the 
whisky-barrel, bring out the big fiddle, join 
all hands in a great ring, and have a jolly 
dance around the flames! Won't it be fun 



ODDS AND ENDS. 205 

to see the little ebonies scamper out, and 
hear 'em scream ! — hear 'em scream ! " 

We all, if we do n't find any body to kick, 
can to ^^snub," especially if we are a little ways 
up, and have our fill of the comforts and pleas- 
ures. To snub enhances one's self-compla- 
cency, adds to our respeftability, is among 
the utilities ! Plenty of folks are all around 
us who, having a hard tirne here, it should be 
our aim to make more miserable, by giving 
the ^^cold shoulder;" we must snub 'em! — 
snub 'em ! 

The Great Husbandman scatters his freshly- 
created souls broadcast, irrespective of the 
bodies into which they may drop and ger- 
minate, so that in the humblest conditions are 
often exquisitely delicate spirits, who pant to 
extricate themselves from the mire and bram- 
bles by which their footsteps are impeded and 
their pathway hedged; to wander in the groves, 
beside the brooks ; to hear the voices of the 
winds, and the murmuring of the waters over 
the pebbles. Young man and young woman, 
such are about you every-where. As it is your 
duty, snub 'em! snub 'em! 



2o6 ODDS AND ENDS. 

We had an awful dream ! 

If you want a similar experience, partake 
late at night of a hearty supper of coppery 
oysters, and, perhaps, you too may swallow 
some copperheads ! 

Even then you can't have as horrid a dream 
as we had. Copperheads are not so venomous 
as they were, and are growing less and less 
venomous every day! 

May the time soon arrive when the venom 
will be all out of them, and they changed 
into the kind called by little children ^'good 
snakes ! " 

For the present they should be ^' poked 
up" with sticks. We have high authority 
for this — ^^The seed of woman shall bruise 

THE serpent's HEAD." 



ODDS AND ENDS. 207 



CHAPTER M. 

In which burlesque and satire are dropped, and the reader led 
to pause and rejieSi: ^^What are we?^'* ^^ Where do we 
stand f""^ ^'Whither are we tending?''^ 

BURLESQUE and satire embrace within 
their legitimate field the follies, vices, 
and idiosyncracies of public men, communi- 
ties, and policies. Error, when impregnable 
to reason, is often vanquished by a laugh. 

We have given some range to our imagi- 
nation in the presentation of the grotesque, 
absurd, and impossible in connexion with the 
aftualities of our time. 

Some intellefts are so literal that such asso- 
ciations are repulsive, while others relish them 
with a zest akin to that which childhood de- 
rives from tales of genii and fairies. If, how- 
ever, the most matter-of-fad minds should be 
deprived of all the creations of fancy, a deep 
vacuum would be made in their delights. 



2o8 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Personally we have enjoyed originating this 
book. It was in us, and made such strong 
implorations to depart, that we finally said, 
**Go, and peace be with you ! '' But we had 
no thought that the little fellow would grow 
so much in the few weeks we knew him, and 
in which we prepared him for his trip. 

The idea of going on a journey and seeing 
the world has so exhilarated him, that he has 
attained an unexpeftcd expansion. He has 
come up at once from short frocks and slip- 
pers into a roundabout and pantaloons, with 
high-heeled boots, adorned by illuminated tops. 

We now propose to devote a few terminat- 
ing pages to a higher range of expression. It 
violates the canons of literature to go from the 
humorous to the serious, although in the 
stream of our lives they meet continually, 
and form opposing contrasts. Our excuse is, 
that the habit of our mind leads us to discard 
precedents. 

** The bride shall have the stock. 
The groom the wall ; 
All old customs will I turn and change. 
And call it reformation," 



ODDS AND ENDS. 209 

are lines which, without exaftly fitting our 
niche, express a thought that in some degree 
touches a point or so in it. 

In the terrible state of morals now existing 
in our country — the natural result of a long 
war and the sudden inflation of our currency — 
it becomes us all to pause, elevate our thoughts 
from the absorbing details of daily life, and 
take a broad view of our situation; to sol- 
emnly inquire : 

"What are we ?'* 

'^ Where do we stand?" 

"Whither are we tending?" 

It is to assist some minds in doing this, that 
otherwise would not be reached, that we place 
here ideas that were in us demanding utter- 
ance : 

Another day^ with its cares and duties^ is ushered 
upon our land, 

THIS DAY! 

Mean spirits fawn in the light of power ! 
Harsh natures crush the weak ! 
Scandal spirts out bitterness ! 
Jealousy burns in vile bosoms ! 
14 



2IO ODDS AND ENDS. 

Pride struts on the gains of oppression ! 

Cant and Hypocrisy steal the garb of Religion ! 

Merchants adulterate their goods, or tempo- 
rarily lower their prices to crush their 
weaker brothers ! 

Avarice drives hard bargains with ignorance, 
and then boasts of its regard for the sa- 
credness of contrads ! 

Pettifoggers stir up contention ! 

Quacks found palaces on human woes ! 

Monopolies bribe legislatures and municipali- 
ties ! 

Railroad officers cheat stockholders ! 

Vanity beggars families ! 

Demagogues lure the simple ones ! 

Modest merit quails in the presence of brazen 
pretense ! 

Fiends, with soft tongues and wily manners, 
plot the ruin of trusting innocence ! 

And Hell chuckles ! 

Oh ! it is a horrible world ! 

THIS DAY! 

Joy kindles loving hearts ! 

Mothers rejoice over their first-born ! 



ODDS AND ENDS. 2II 

Sons and daughters, dutiful, gladden paternal 
hearths ! 

Noble souls loathe ignoble deeds ! 

Charity extends her helping hand to the suf- 
fering ! 

Kind words are dispensed, and prove a balm 
to anguished spirits ! 

The pure in heart hunger and thirst after per- 
feftion ! 

And Heaven smiles ! 

Oh ! it is a beautiful world ! 

THIS NIGHT! 

Tn a remote, desolate, uninhabited, wilder- 
ness country, on the topmost point of a lofty 
mountain, stands a man — alone! Miles below 
him is the whole earth; that summit the only 
one above the general level. 

He looks down upon the world, enshrouded 
in gloom. It appears like an immense basin ; 
its rim the horizon line, which, in its com- 
plete circumference, stands, rising up to his 
view, hard, sharply-defined against the mid- 
night sky. 

The vast dome of heaven, from the rarity 



212 



ODDS AND ENDS 



of the air, is black as ink; and upon this 
background the stars projed: with a clearness 
and brilliancy no words can express. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 



:yi?i unknown man on the summit of a lofty mountain ^ in a di^» 

tnnt, wilderness cou7iiry. Time, niffht, I^ight frotn myriads 

of far awajfj unknown worlds pierce his very soul, and 

he feels the awful presence of the IJV'^IJV'ITJEJ / 

As he stands there alone, gazing, his cheeks 
blanch with awe. Light from myriads of far 
away, unknown worlds pierce his very soul. 



ODDS AND ENDS. 213 

and he feels the awful presence of the INFI- 
NITE ! 

And what is Man ? An atom, ignorant 
even of himself! The greatest only large 
enough to fill a single grave ! His life is 
brief — brief, like the transient shadow formed 
by the wheat, as it is undulated in the gentle 
wind of summer ! 

Man puts his hand upon his heart : 

^^Is he there ?" 

^^No!" 

He puts his hand upon his forehead : 

^^s he there?" 

^^No!" 

He looks in a mirror: 

^^And what does he see?" 

Only his body, the casement of his soul. 
But the human soul, the entity — the man 
himself- — no mortal ever saw! It is only by 
manifestations from this body of ours that 
we know there is such an existence as a 
human soul, that there is such an existence 
as a man. 

If the souls of men walked the earth as do 
their bodies, how quickly would our estimate 



214 ODDS AND ENDS, 

of individuals change ! Many a man who now 
occupies and has risen to a place of power, 
through the exercise of abhorrent qualities^ 
would stand out in loathsome deformity; so 
repulsive, disgusting, that we should turn from 
him with a shudder ! Many a one in the lowly 
ranks of life would be to us an objeft of beauty, 
of tender, loving interest. 

Life consists only of sensations. To its 
happiness three things are necessary: 

1. A good body — that is, health. 

2. Employment for the intelleft. 

3. Employment for the heart. 

The last is the first. Without heart-joys, 
life is valueless. These come only through 
an eye open loving to the works of God in 
Nature; an eye open loving to the works of 
God in Man. This says to the humblest : 

^^ Thou art my brother and my sister! 
Here's my hand, and we'll help you along 
in this little, short journey we are taking to- 
gether, this strange medley of joy, and woe, 
and mystery — Life ! " 

And when man does this, there comes to 
him a sweet peace, a joy that fills his soul, 



ODDS AND ENDS. 215 

and makes his cup of existence a delicious 
beverage ever present to his lips^ for he is in 
harmony with God ! 

Our Nation is now suffering for her 
CRIMES ! The wounds from the recently- 
plucked barb are still rankling in her heart ! 
In the decrees of the Eternal there is no es- 
cape from the violation of law. Sooner or 
later, Justice lets down from the skies her great, 
pearly-white balances, tries iniquity, and, ac- 
cording to its weight, pronounces sentence! 

Four millions of our people — a long-suf- 
fering, humble people, whose very weakness 
should have won our sympathies — have been 
crushed by organized human law. It has been 
forbidden to allow the development of the only 
quality that separates man from the brute — 
intelle£l. This is the awful nameless Crime 
against the Human Soul ! 

In part we have expiated this by the death 
of half a million of young men, the very flower 
of our land — enough to fill a triple line of cof- 
fins from the capitol of our nation to Rich- 
mond, the capitol of the would-be assassins 
of Liberty. 



2l6 ODDS AND ENDS. 

To rob the nation of the means to complete 
the expiation of her crimes, by doing justice 
in the future to those whom she has wronged, 
the means which have been paid for in blood, 
is now the attempt of a powerful organization, 
which stretches over the wide expanse of our 
vast country. 




IMAGINARY PICTURE. 

The h'tpte ti?ie of coffins of the nation^ s slain exieiiding from 
Washi7iffion to Richmond. 

If the spirits of our slain could arise from 
their graves, with their bodies gashed and gory, 
would they not point to their wounds and thus 
implore us .? 



ODDS AND ENDS. 217 

^^ Fight the wrong ! fight the wrong ! 
If not for your own sakes, for you will soon 
pass away, yet for the sake of the humble, 
ignorant, and wonderfully patient people 
whom you have injured ; for the sake of the 
great future; for the sake of the little ones 
whose lithe figures and sweet, trusting faces 
are upturned to you and meet you every- 
where — in the streets, at public gatherings, 
and around your own hearthstones ! " 

*J» Jx^ ^ ^ 5j» Jjl Sji Sp 

We present an even number of — 

Odd Figures: 3, 5, 7, 9. 

A Man. 

A Glove. 

A Woman. 

A Slipper. 

A Leaf. 

A Stone. 

Each of the above is a subjed for a book, 
for endless volumes : for every idea is con- 
nected with every other idea; every truth with 
every other truth ; and all ideas and all truths 
keep evil company, travel with numerous errors 
and falsehoods. We do not enlarge upon these, 



2i8 ODDS AND ENDS. 

but simply leave the reader to think a discourse 
from either at option. 

But Remember! 

After this little book is read and forgotten, 
and its uses forgotten — for nothing, not even 
folly, is in vain; 

After we discover that we are but weaklings, 
the clearest-eyed only able to dimly discern the 
outer edges of knowledge; 

After we perceive that from chaos comes 
order; from incongruity, congruity ; from 
barbarism, civilization ; from ignorance, wis- 
dom ; from learning, humility; that in the 
eternal progress we shall approach nearer and 
nearer all truth, but never fully reach it ; 

After we learn there are no great things and 
no small things; that the vast is but an aggre- 
gation of the minute ; that the minute itself 
surpasses comprehension; that to be 

" Pleased with a rattle, tickled with a straw," 

is alike the pursuit and the enjoyment of the 
child and the man, the rattle and the straw 
only varying with each, and each and all are 



ODDS AND ENDS. 219 

but children together — simple, prejudiced, and 
ignorant; 

After we see that to live life wisely is to 
develop this soul of ours here in harmony with 
Eternal Law ; to gather from the present, our 
only possession, its fruition ; to exult that we 
are born into an existence where wonders never 
cease ; where there is ever beauty to elevate ; 
wherever, by kind afts and tender words, 
our souls can be expanded ; while over all, 
protecting all, is the Great Mystery and 
the Great Love ; 

After a million of years have come and 
gone — 

Remember ! 

The sun may somewhere continue to rise ! 

New souls to be created, and experience 
scenes with us now passing ! 

Voices of children to be heard ! 

Youths and maidens to dream the sweet 
dream their parents once dreamed ! 

Families to nestle under protecting roofs ! 

Old age to sit serene in the mellow twi- 
light ! 

The funeral bell to awe, as its single note 



220 ODDS AND ENDS. 

strikes in the tower, and then fainting, dies 
trembling away ! 

Music to thrill with a foretaste of the bliss 
that awaits on immortality ! 

Mortal agony to be sustained through the 
hope of immortal joy ! 

Hearts to expand through sacrifice! 

Grief to soften and purify ! 

Snow, in delicate, undulating lines, to en- 
velop landscapes with purity! 

Laughter to relieve from care ! 

Light to gladden and illuminate the Uni- 
verse ! 

Flow^ers to delight by perfumes, tints, and 
forms ! 

Dew-drops to glisten ! 

Mountains to pierce the sky ! 

Leaves to dance in gentle zephyrs ! 

Earth, air, and sea to pour forth unceasing 
melody ! 

Deserts to lay in solitude! 

Shadows to flit over fields and mountain 
sides ! 

Oceans to roll m grandeur! 

Clouds to float softly in summer skies! 



ODDS AND ENDS. 221 

Night made sublime by light from unknown, 
far-away worlds ! 

Forests to cover vast trails unknown to man ! 

Wavelets to break upon curving sands ! 

Brooks to leap and laugh ! 

The rainbow to span the heavens in an arch 
of glory ! 

Thunder to crash and echo ! 

Grain to bend in the breeze, and grow 
golden for the harvest ! 

Fruits to ripen and become luscious ! 

Pines to moan in weird-like, ^Eolian strains ! 

Bees to hum among clover blossoms ! 

Lambs to skip in green pastures ! 

Kittens to play around firesides ! 

Cows to graze down in the meadows, and 
recline by the margin of cool waters ! 

The crimson-speckled trout to lie secreted 
in their clear, deep, liquid haunts ! 

The soft clouds of night to play hide-and- 
seek with the moon ! 

Mossy branches to bend over and lave in 
pure waters ! 

Morning and evening shadows to lay long 
over landscapes ! 



222 ODDS AND ENDS. 

Fawns to bound through forest glades ! 

Cool, leafy groves to invite to repose from 
noonday heats ! 

Snow-hued clouds to be banked up against 
the blue skies of summer ! 

Mist to envelop landscapes, and as the 
early light of morning darts forth, convert 
them into isles and oceans of wondrous and 
evanescent glory ! 

Thus Nature will entrance by her variety, 
soothe by her tranquillity, delight by her 
beauty, fill and inspire by her grandeur, 
sadden and purify by her gloom, and elevate 
and awe by her sublimity ! 

The Great Mystery may create all this I 

Where ^ then^ will we be? 

That will not be the end. The Eternal 
Mind requires eternal use; and as there never 
was the beginning, so never can be the end. 

Forever will be poured forth sweet strains; 
forever will be warbled delicious melodies; 
forever will mountain tops pierce the skies; 
forever will oceans roll in grandeur ; forever 
will the thunders crash and give their awful 
echoes ; and the stars and the angels will for- 



ODDS AND ENDS. 223 

ever unceasingly sing the sublime music of 
the Universe, the Great Mystery, and the 
Great Love ; and forever will be the morn- 
ing song of creation — worlds upon worlds, 
worlds upon worlds, worlds without end ! 

Thus, the Grand Refrain of the Uni- 
verse — Forever! 

Therefore forever will hearts bound with 
glorious emotion ; forever will the sweet tear§ 
of sympathy and joy start, and the nerves 
thrill, as the successive waves of delicious 
sensation strike and pass over the delicate, 
vibrating chords of the immortal soul! 

Thus, Heart Joys — Forever! 

What an inheritance ours, even this brief 
life ! No wonder the soul shrinks from the 
dread unknown ! None have returned thence! 
Yes ! One has ! And He — so sady so tender ^ 
so compassionate^ that the hearts of the pure 
melt at the thought! — so sad^ so tender ^ so 
compassionate y for the weak, the lowly, the 
suffering! — so sad^ so tender ^ so compassionate — 
Christ the Crucified ! 

THE end. 



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Library of Congress 
Branch Bindery, 1902 



